Shades of Gray
by spero spiro
Summary: AU Logically, if one is not dead then one must be living; if one is not living, they must be dead. Himura Kenshin leads a double life as both doctor and assassin, neither truly living nor willing to die, until Kamiya Kaoru came and broke down the logic.
1. Ordinary

**Shades of Gray**

**Disclaimer: I'm only doing this once for this chapter. All other times will refer back to this chapter, because it's MORE than unlikely that I'll magically be able to buy the rights to Rurouni Kenshin between now and the time I finish the story. So, ha. Don't sue me. I'm not claiming rights to it or making money off of these fanworks. Just borrowing the characters for a little while…**

**Chapter One: Ordinary**

_Logically, if one is not dead, then one must be living. And in following, if someone is not living, they must be dead._

The words were as well ingrained into my mind as were all my years of training. They echoed through my being as a part of my existence in a neverending chant questioning my existence. It was instinct in as much as my overwhelming need to periodically check my cell phone for any indication of a new mission, even now, after several years of inactivity. I keep my sword sharp. It drives her insane.

_Her_: the one who destroyed any semblance of structure in my fragmented life. I lived half of my life by an oath to save life, and the other half by a sword that stole life. She was the one who changed everything by changing nothing at all, simply by being. There was no logic to it, just that her presence alone set things in motion that could not be undone.

She was born a completely normal, unremarkable girl in Tokyo. She had a normal, unremarkable childhood, with normal, unremarkable parents. She went to a normal, unremarkable high school, and then managed to make enough of herself to get into a college. Tokyo University, to be precise. That alone should have been my first indication that she was perhaps not so ordinary as I had thought. She was really quite brilliant, but I didn't know any of these ordinary things until much later; it didn't matter to me, anyway. Unlike you who will know them now, because you will want to know whom she really was. I'll tell you now, thought, that she was perfectly ordinary and unremarkable until she met me. I could wax poetic on the meaning of the right person at the right time, but I don't even know if it was that. There is no reason for what happened, except her.

It began so very quickly, with hardly any indication of its own significance, one ordinary morning. For all my training, I had no idea how things were already changing so rapidly for me. It was only in retrospect that I found that the transition from my former life to the path of change had begun so early on.

"Himura-san!" The sound of my young neighbor woke me from my reverie, which centered on the previous night. I closed my eyes long enough for a blink and saw the blood splatter on the white walls and the snow-white carpet. A scream echoed in my head.

"Aa?" I answered the boy—a particularly odd college student—as I slid my key back into the keyhole of my door and locked it.

The young man smiled at me with his youthful face and pushed his brunet bangs out of his face. "I didn't hear you come in last night."

_You weren't meant to, Seta-san,_ The thought rushed through my head as I pocketed my key and picked up my briefcase. "I came home late," The answer was cold and a bit heartless, but I cared not how others felt. It didn't matter; Seta-san was hardly offended by my cool demeanor.

Instead he shrugged and slung his own case over his shoulder, turning for the stairs. I followed silently. He was a new medical student at the University and his classes were in the hospital there, which happened to be just next to my office. He always walked with me, no matter what. Somehow, he did not annoy me.

"Did you come home late?" The boy puzzled aloud and laughed with less feeling than one would usually laugh with. "You must have."

"You fell asleep over your studying again."

Seta-san shrugged. "I was awake until three-thirty studying. I couldn't stay awake after that."

I shrugged indifferently, but laughed at him inside. Medical school had been difficult for similar reasons for myself. I didn't mind his company, even if I thought he was naïve. It was as though somehow there was something in him that I connected with.

We passed a newsstand and I scooped up a paper, tossing payment to the man as I did every day. I hid a smirk at the headlines as we entered the subway station and boarded our train. Seta-san and I took seats next to one another and I read the article about a new case in a long string of recent murders. Some 'mad-dog' killer, or—worse—a power-driven madman armed with an unrevealed weapon. The police were careful with releasing any details about the crimes. Details only the killer would know.

Details only I would know.

"Terrible murders, don't you think?" Seta-san offered me another one of those strange, disinterested smiles. "But it seems that they have a strong idea of who this killer is."

I shrugged and folded the paper. "There are awful things that happen all the time in Tokyo. We'll see what the police find, I'm sure." The words were uninterested and blank as I handed it off to him.

"Perhaps they'll catch him soon."

_And perhaps not,_ My mind shot back. "Perhaps," Was all I answered.

I didn't plan on being caught anytime in the future. I killed with a reason, not because I enjoyed the feel of blood rushing over me, or the feeling of power as I held my victim's life in the balance. Not for money, insanity, or sick lust. I despised the killing. I was a doctor, and I had taken my Hippocratic oath to save life. Killing didn't make sense for me, but I did it anyway for the sake of a belief that I was killing those who had brought suffering, those who had been targeted for stepping too far out of line. I had a reason to kill, and it went deeper than the syndicate. I killed for the sake of convoluted justice metted out by Katsura and the underground he controlled. There was more than that, painfully intimate reasons to kill that drove me to kill until every single one of the people involved in all the ills of the world, all my personal demons, were dead. I dared the police to catch me.

The next stop was Seta-san's and mine. We stepped off of the train and watched it shoot past into the tunnel as we mounted the stairs with our separate destinations outside the station in mind. As I was walking through the ordinary station, a completely unremarkable doctor who could perhaps be mistaken for a foreigner if I were not already known by the people there, a young college girl breezed past me. I ignored her, but found my nostrils lingering on the mysterious scent I couldn't quite place.

Seta-san turned to me as I stopped to think of the source of the unfamiliar smell. "Himura-san? Shall we continue?"

I nodded numbly, starting up the stairs to the outside world, where the sun was shining happily on the ordinary morning. "Let's go," I stated blandly.

_Logically, if one is not dead, then one must be living. And in following, if someone is not living, they must be dead._

The words were back, ringing through my head again and again. My telephone rang out a single, urgent beep to tell me that I had a new message. A new mission. A new article at my newsstand with another desperate plea for public cooperation.

_But what is someone who is neither living nor dead?_

**End Chapter One**


	2. Simple Logic

**Shades of Gray **

**Note: Yay for all of you! I haven't been entirely forgotten! No, no, really, I was quite pleased to find that as soon as a new story went up, there were people I recognized from the other stories I put up who automatically came back to review (Nguardian, it's a pleasure to hear from you again). In fact, none of my stories have done so well since I finished The Samurai Wives, so it's nice to hear from everyone again. Thanks for all the reviews, and I would certainly be even more pleased if you were to leave me one for this chapter as well. I will hope that you will muse in your reviews as to what kind of dynamic we are seeing in comparison to the past chapter (There actually is a huge, highly conspicuous difference between Kenshin's attitude then and now). **

**Didn't anyone get the Charlie Brown reference in the last chapter? **

**Disclaimer: See previous chapter for full disclaimer. I will not be doing so again. **

Chapter Two- Simple Logic 

It's a crying shame, the world these days; so many people comfortable hiding behind their own cowardice all in the name of fitting into the Western image of how society is to be. I did, however, find some aspects of Western society tangible.

Individuality, for instance.

Despite my Japanese heritage, I wondered why we hadn't decided that individual style is a good thing. Instead, we Japanese are like a mindless drone that follows what would be most 'honorable' or least harmful to the greater society.

Fuck the big picture, I said. It is for these reasons that I stood out so drastically against the rest of my culture. Like a black sheep in a huge field of white ones, munching on dandelions that have gone to seed; a single spot of color in the endless mass of nothingness. They made me sick to my stomach about as much as the greedy pig I had been sent to exterminate.

I felt like a wolf stalking a part of that huge herd; picking off my victims one by one, as the rest of the herd runs about in a foolish panic.

Strapped to my side was a long katana, bound there for stealth and easy access. It would turn out to be an easy kill.

Break in. Draw sword. Declare my purpose. Slay. Clean blade. Leave.

It was always the same for my, mission after mission; kill after kill. I, for a reason almost unknown to me, longed for a more exciting thrill to come with it. As if I wanted something to make up for what I was doing, because I felt no rush from it. I wanted adventure. Complications. After that first beginning, and all the 'first's that came to follow after that, I learned to be careful what I wished for.

After I left the dead man behind, cleaned my blade, and left with my telltale note (Naturally, the syndicate wrote these for me, and my calligraphy was untraceable. They take care of those who do the jobs.), I disappeared into the night. I had not a single drop of blood on me, so I dropped my sword into a hiding place in the wheel well of my car and decided the night was still young enough to go out and do something other than dwell on the misery of being an executioner and life-giver at the same time.

I knew how God must have felt, being the ultimate one to grant life and then—inevitably—steal it away. I cannot say that I enjoyed the experience, and I pitied God his most awful job.

I drove to a small, underground club I knew of through my connections. It was a common enough gathering place for those in the syndicate, and—should I have proved to be luckier than I felt—I would encounter Katsura-san. It would mean that I had been given an opportunity to offer a face-to-face report, rather than bother with the paperwork. I stepped down the stairs, nodded to the intimidating man that stood at the door, and walked inside.

There happened to be many college students there, probably to buy the drugs that were sold so easily there. Many of them seemed too lost in their trip to help me find anyone I may have known. I looked away in disgust.

People who throw their lives away before allowing themselves time to grow into a better person than they are then… well, they angered me enough to want to fetch my sword and drive it through their worthless guts.

Through the smoke, powerful stench of alcohol, loud, bouncing techno and flashing strobe light, I felt a sudden assault upon all of my senses. The strange, floral scent from the subway station the morning before flitted into my nostrils just as my vision was filled up with a mix of dark hair and white skin. As quickly as it had happened, it was over, and the girl had disappeared into the crowd.

I wonder now if it was simply me at that moment in time, or many others feel that strange feeling when one has had an important appointment with Fate, and they may have just missed it by a mere second or hairsbreadth. In that second, I had that feeling, and I acted on it, utterly forgetting my report, or even that I had just killed a man. In that moment, I, Himura Kenshin, M.D., was just that: a completely normal, young, single doctor at a nightclub.

I followed the girl, winding my way through the crowd, muttering apologies and pushing people aside impatiently. I almost tried to call out to her for a moment, but my voice was cut off by another, particularly loud voice cutting me off and deterring me from my path.

"Himura-san!"

I flinched. The very last person I truly wanted to encounter, but as this was a place where we may have to police…

Iizuka, a much more junior member of the syndicate, approached me with one of his smiles. Inwardly, I was killing him very slowly, as long as he kept that stupid smile. "Did you finish the job?" He asked in low tones when he was close enough to invade my personal space, which—granted—is probably much larger than many people's. I pushed him back without any hesitancy at showing my dislike of him.

"Of course. Where is Katsura-san?" I was particularly cold that night, and it was unlikely any member of the syndicate would not see why. I had just killed a particularly well-known businessman, who had attempted to wedge himself into the highest level of the underground. The media would not know that, and the search for me would become even more refined.

He jerked his head toward the back of the room. "In the back, I think. With Ikumatsu."

I did not bother with farewells. Instead, I marched off through the room with an angry scowl. I had intended to catch up with my fate, but I should have known that—no matter what—_Fate_ catches up to _you_. I wanted excitement in my monotonous life.

I pushed open the door, simultaneously sliding off my shoes and walked into the room, where Katsura-san indeed sat with his companion, Ikumatsu. "Good evening, Katsura-san," I greeted emptily.

"Ah, welcome Himura-sensei," The man insisted using my formal title. "Did the mission go well?"

"As always."

"No hitches?"

"Should I be expecting any?" I raised an eyebrow.

He shook his head very slightly, laughing a bit. "No, no. Of course not," His eyes became serious. "What is your report?"

"He's dead, Katsura-san."

"Is that it?"

"All I have to say. The man's dead. I killed him. My katana is hidden for the time being. I'm counting on your ties to ensure nothing happens to get me caught."

"The authorities have little experience. They won't catch you."

"They're getting much better lately."

At this, Katsura-san laughed merrily. "Nothing else to report?"

"I'll kill Iizuka if he interferes with me again."

The older man exchanged glances with Ikumatsu. "Interferes, Himura-sensei?"

"Contrary to popular belief, I do like to go out every once in a while and attempt at a normal life," My eyes narrowed. "And he is a nuisance."

Katsura-san laughed again. "I will speak to him."

"Thank you," Came my curt reply, before I stood and left quietly. There was no point saying any more to the man while his courtesan, mistress, wife, girlfriend, or whore hung on him. She had these strange eyes that tore into you, and I hated that feeling. As though I was being thoroughly examined for any trace of purity or regret for what I did…

Too bad Ikumatsu never looked hard enough to see that it did exist.

I stepped back into the repulsively happy club… or, as happy as it could be, being as it was filled with a bunch of high and drunk kids who were throwing their lives around like fools. Have I mentioned how much I would love to kill them?

It was then that I realized that someone was… watching me. Someone I didn't know. I tensed immediately, and looked around for any kind of threat. The only thing I found was a pale skinned girl with dark, midnight hair and piercing blue eyes that seemed to read me so much better than any priest, or therapist, or whatever. I stared back until she approached me with a lopsided smile, then leaned over close to my face.

"Hello," She murmured into my ear.

**End Chapter Two**


	3. From the Dark

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: Well, apparently no one picked up on my little allusion to Charlie Brown. It's not the newspaper stand (MSW-sama! I'm shocked!). Actually, it comes from A Charlie Brown Christmas, where Lucy tells Schroeder that she believes that Christmas is controlled by a big, Eastern crime syndicate. The line is where Kenshin mentions—offhand—that his is the one that controls Christmas. It was me being silly, is all. Thanks for all the reviews, and please enjoy this chapter as well!**

**Chapter Three: From the Dark**

"Hello."

Unintentionally, a shiver ran through my body; a shudder that felt as though the burning room was really frozen, and the only warmth was from this strange girl, and…

It wasn't simply desire. It was need; pure, out of control, animal need, and I hated that feeling. I felt as though I had completely lost control of myself, and I was tumbling over the edge into something unknown, and she was the one that had pushed me. I had followed her earlier, as a man, but now I felt like a beast and she was my huntress.

I knew that I came from a world that she could only imagine in her worst nightmares, but she unnerved me strongly, and a part of me didn't mind it at all. I swallowed my nerves, smoothing myself into a calmer form.

"Hello," I whispered into her ear, savoring the look that crossed her face, as I knew she was experiencing what she had just done to me. I simply had more control over myself and, thus, the situation. There was a flash of panic in her eyes, like a small, frightened creature, as she realized that she had lost control over a situation she had thought she had.

I laughed inside myself and leaned back. Her hands were shaking very slightly, as she clenched them lightly around the end of her long shirt. The stab of lust I'd felt was not subsiding, but I didn't want it to. I wanted to take her back to my apartment, and…

I drove the thoughts from my mind. _She_ was ordinary.

A short string of words that made little sense when put together, fell from her mouth as she tried to say something or another.

I had her.

_What will you do now, little one?_ My mind taunted with a laugh. _I've caught you._

But another part of my mind was reeling. Sure, I had caught her, but now what? Now that I had her in my grasp, what would I do with her? I wasn't like a cat; I couldn't toy with her and then kill her. She was ordinary, and—as such—someone in her unremarkable family would notice that she was missing. I couldn't toy with her and let her go; there would be no fun in that.

I'd caught my prey, but I was as awkward with the victory as a grizzly bear trying to do needlepoint.

The two sides of my mind battled it out; both of my 'alter ego's. Who could tell which was the real me? Doctor against assassin. Man against monster. I was neither entirely pure, nor entirely tainted.

_Logically, if one is not dead, then one must be living. And, in following, if someone is not living, they must be dead._

I shuddered in my skin as the words echoed in my head. I tried to shake them out. Now was not the time for wonder.

"What's your name?" I whispered to her, and her dark eyes rose to meet mine with innocent insecurity.

She did not speak for a few seconds that dragged on forever before she finally looked away from me. "Kaoru."

I smiled for her; the smile of a man. The lustful monster had skulked away to let the human side of me charm this girl. It was the human side of me that desired monotony, but _he_ who desired the changes letting anyone in would…

…Not that I intended to let her in, of course.

But I cannot deny that I was sorely tempted by her.

"Kenshin." If we were on first name terms already… I would offer her only that. I offered her a small bow.

She relaxed visibly, and then looked at the neon clock that hung on the wall, ticking away the time and our lives. "I have to go," She told me, though I caught the hint of regret in her tone.

The monster in me rejoiced. I had somehow gained her trust.

"I'm sorry," I too looked at the clock. "And I have work in the morning."

"Class," She told me, nonchalantly handing me a card and starting off into the crowd as though she had maintained control the entire time.

I glanced down at the card. A business card… with her phone number.

This ordinary girl would be an interesting one… if only to play games with. Both my sides laughed at our strange victory just before a cold shudder ran through my body as a hand fell on my shoulder.

"Flirting, Himura-san?"

I shoved Iizuka's hand away and slid the card into the pocket of my jacket as only an assassin can. "No."

He chuckled, and I felt a strong urge to break his neck. "Didn't look like that to me."

I shrugged carelessly and started for the door. "I don't care what you think," I growled as I strode away and into the night.

On the drive home, I found that I couldn't stop thinking about that moment when she leaned over and said hello. She hadn't had any idea what she was up against then, and, even as she was leaving, I'd given this ordinary girl no idea that I was any different from her.

It took longer than usual to drive home that night, even though the roads were almost entirely clear of other drivers. No one is dangerous anymore. No one likes to take chances and play in the night anymore...

That is, no one but those who dare to change their worlds.

When I got home, I took my sword out of the car and back up to my apartment, where I stowed it away in its regular place of honor. I took a moment to stare at my private shrine just after I'd replaced the sword on its pedestal and wondered if I should light a few candles to pray for my clients.

_All_ of my clients. To those I served life and to those I served death upon swift wings.

I shook my head and closed the door with a soft _snap_, then slid the lock back into place. Some places are so private that we don't even let them within our own sight, unless it is absolutely necessary. Even then, we do not linger with them, for they are so treasured and secret to us.

My shrine was my own secret. The key to something I had not let anyone truly see in all my memory, which I may add is not something I particularly counted on in that time. But—for an unknown reason—while I was looking at my shrine, I found later that there was something wrong.

It took me a while to realize it, which I did while standing under the hot, driving water of my shower, but I had not been thinking of myself while I stared at my shrine... My mind had been lingering entirely on that strange, ordinary girl.

I pulled out the card from my jacket as I stepped out of the shower and stared at the faintly purple cardstock; the dainty lettering that spelled out her name; and, finally, the black ink that carefully twisted itself to form the digits in her phone number.

_Logically, if one is not dead, then one must be living. And, in following, if someone is not living, they must be dead._

I shook my head violently, but let the words echo back and forth through my mind.

_If such is so… What am I?_

**End Chapter Three**


	4. Staggering Silence

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: Yeah, I've been busy lately. You all know the project I was raving about last year? Yeah, it's over. Earth Day went down on the fifteenth, and it turned out really, really well. All the things I thought would make it fall apart didn't come to be at all, and now all I need to do is present it to my boards, and then it's time for graduation. Prom is on Friday (I'm so excited!), and it also looks like I'm heading to Florida for college, though I'm still holding onto the hope for my little Indiana school. I'll know for sure fairly soon… until then, however… I don't know, and I'm worrying. **

**As for this chapter, there are some subtle hints of symbolism at the end. If you can find them, you'll get some good ideas of what our 'hero's mind will be like over the next few chapters. As always, reviews are welcomed. **

**Chapter Four: Staggering Silence**

The next morning on the train, Seta-san chatting idly to me and my mind already gone, I decided to call Kaoru. _She_ had opened the door, not me. _She_ had decided to give me _her_ number, and _she_ was the one who had expressed interest first. At least, that was the justifications I gave myself for calling her. I kept my hand in the pocket of my coat, gently fingering the card; carefully making sure I did not bend or crease the heavy paper it was on.

It didn't matter to me. I didn't care. That was, of course, what I was trying to assure myself. That the intrusion she had created in my life, and that my thinking of her while gazing at my deepest secret was nothing.

I knew better, of course, deep in the recesses of my pumping, bloody, human heart. I knew in the part of me that was still alive; in the part of me I denied.

Seta-san finally noticed my unnatural introversion. I was generally quiet, and he knew this, but I usually at least paid attention. That day, I was obviously otherwise preoccupied.

"Himura-san?" His voice was a faux-happy anchor that yanked me unceremoniously back down the earth and—even further—to the unsteady train. "It's not far to our stop," He continued, seeing that I was finally inside my body once again. "Could I ask what is seizing your thoughts so thoroughly? You were home late again last night."

"I _was_ late last night, Seta-san. For that, I did not get much sleep," I assured him coolly. It was not a complete lie; I _had_ been home late, and I _hadn't_ slept well. The only problem was that I was used to little sleep, and my insomnia had been caused by my mind dwelling on _her_. Honestly, I wasn't very tired.

Honestly, I was just thinking of _her_.

Seta-san merely nodded and gestured to the station we were pulling into. "This is it, then," He commented softly and picked up his bag.

I shrugged, shifting my weight to my other foot. The weight of my phone seemed to bear down on me as I stepped off the train and into the station. I brushed my long hair behind me with little concern for the way it attracted more stares than I would have liked. The wind was strong that morning—stronger than it had been back at my apartment—and seemed to be trying to drag me away from my destination; away from my office.

Away from duty.

As Seta-san turned into his school, I waved, which was not something characteristic for me. He had noticed, but merely smiled and waved back, and then started for the doors.

There was a lump in my throat, but it seemed to possess me suddenly and I called out to him, "Seta-san! Would you care to join me for dinner tonight?"

The boy turned again, eyes obviously clouded in confusion for my sudden warmth. "Absolutely, Himura-san."

As I stepped into my own building, I berated myself. Of _course_ I could cook. Of _course_ I could have guests in my home. Yet, I was hesitant to allow anyone in.

I bit the inside of my mouth until the iron taste of blood filled it. It was all _her_ fault, and I hardly knew her. It was _her_ fault I was making the mistake of offering warmth to my neighbor. The idea that the boy felt comfortable and familiar to me had nothing to do with it, of course. I wanted to blame that silly, _ordinary_ girl.

I looked away from the other people in the elevator, sliding back into the normal formality I held with those around me. I was killer and savior… I had no reason to confer with the mortals around me…

I had no reason to force myself to see that I, too, was mortal.

I sat in my office for an hour with no scheduled appointments before I finally pulled out _her_ card and pulled out my phone. I stared at both for a long, long while before flipping open the phone and slowly dialing _her_ number.

Slowly, it connected and rang once…

Twice…

Thr- "Hello?"

My heart stopped, and I forced myself to swallow the hard lump in my throat. "Kaoru." My voice was even and cool; just as predatory as I had been the night before. It revealed none of my self-doubt or confusion that she had caused me to lose my cool in my shrine, or lose sleep. The logical, killer side of me did not even know why I was calling her; why she had done this to me when I hardly knew her.

The man in me knew why. He knew that I was trying to salvage my humanity before the monster in me killed it. He also knew that—for a reason I could not determine—this ordinary girl had unnerved the darker side of me and could somehow keep the monster from taking over.

She was silent for a moment that dragged on forever. "Who is this?" She finally asked softly.

"Kenshin." I told her, carelessly twirling my sharp letter opener between my fingers.

The silence on the other end was enough to drive me insane, but I held on for a moment longer as she inhaled slowly; carefully.

"…Kenshin." She murmured, as though my name were a secret.

"Is there something wrong with this?"

"No! No… I… just… I didn't think you would call." She confessed gently. "At least, not so soon."

I inhaled slowly, a smile—genuine or not, it didn't matter to me in that moment—crossed my face, partially in relief. "Why would you think that?"

I could see her biting her lip and twisting something around her fingers in anguish at the questions.

_It's not so hard, little one…_I thought, gently pressing the edge of my letter opener into my fingertip. A small bead of blood bloomed on my finger and spread onto the blade.

"I don't know…" She finally told me. "It just… didn't seem likely."

"I see," I took a deliberate pause. "Would you like to, say, join me for some tea?"

"What?" She squeaked.

"Dinner, then?"

Her breath sharpened. "W-what?"

"Friday? Around seven? I could meet you somewhere," I dragged the blade down my finger, watching the blood slide down my forefinger. "In fact… I'll meet you at the train station at seven."

I waited a moment for the soft acceptance before snapping my phone shut and closing my eyes peacefully.

The lovely silence was shattered by a sharp knock on my door. "Himura-sensei? Your first appointment is here."

I growled softly and stood. "I'll be just a moment." Even as I spoke the words I was halfway across the room, looking back out my window.

_I'll use _him_ to hunt you… But the man in me will be the one to appreciate you._ I thought as I turned away from the kind sun and into the darkness of the hallway.

**End Chapter Four**


	5. All Eyes On Me

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: Forgive me, everyone. I know it has been since April that I've updated. I know it's been over two months, and that's generally the mark that I've given up… but I haven't. I have just been busier than you all can imagine with Prom, Senior Project Boards, AP Tests, Senior Trip, finals, term papers, and—finally—graduation. After that (a month and a half ago), I've been busy with preparation for college this fall: going down to visit the school for orientation, registering for classes, financial aid stuff, work, my birthday… You can imagine how insane things have been. I apologize for taking so long to get this up, but here it is. Reviews are always welcome.**

**Chapter Five- All Eyes On Me**

I groaned, staring at the table I'd set for two, letting my phone hang limply by my side. Seta-san was on his way over, and I was hardly ready for him. I set the phone on a side table and looked out the window to the city's skyline, dotted with trees and green. I wondered if Kaoru would really meet me on Friday for my forced date. I laughed softly and stepped toward the door, just as Seta-san began to tap politely on it.

"Good evening, Himura-san!" He greeted cheerfully, bowing deeply and holding up a melon for me. "I brought you a gift to show my appreciation for inviting me to dinner."

"How… kind of you," I smiled kindly, staring bewildered at the fruit. "Please, come in."

Seta-san stepped in and stood silently until I guided him to sit before at the table. "Dinner will only be a moment." I assured him, slipping into the kitchen and setting the fruit onto the counter with a gentle thud. I tugged impatiently onto my hair, wishing fervently that I'd never asked him in the first place.

_He_ was annoyed by my ridiculous nerves, but I suppressed his irritation with a forceful push, lifting the heavy pot with both hands and taking it into the room where Seta-san calmly waited. "I hope you don't mind what I've made."

Seta-san smiled and shook his head. "I'm sure I won't." When I kneeled across from him, his smile grew and he clasped his hands and cried, "Ittadekimasu!"

I smiled politely and ate slowly; pondering the situation I had found myself in. I had used to despise guests—particularly of the dinner sort—and here was me now with my young neighbor happily munching away at something I had actually cared enough about to cook with some effort.

I smiled gently and raised my cup of sake to the boy and nodded before taking a sip. Some things about _him_ could just die, and I wouldn't care. I liked the company.

—o—

The train station was packed full of people on Friday, making it a nearly insane idea to try and find anyone, unless you were me. Anyone else might have picked up their cell phone, dialed the speed dial number they'd assigned to the person they were meeting and fumble uselessly through the area until they happened to run into that person. But not me.

_She_ was there; I knew it.

After a long intake of breath through my nostrils, I trailed _her_ scent through the station until I spotted the rest of _her_ physical body, _her_ spirit hovering over her kindly—acting as a beacon for me. I stepped toward _her_.

"Kaoru-san," I breathed, smiling faintly.

_She_ jumped, staring at me wide-eyed. "Kenshin!" _She_ gasped, groping for the wall behind her.

I bowed and offered my hand. "Are you ready to go?" I asked, freeing _her_ from _her_ clutch on the wall.

"Y-yes," She whispered, reaching out for my hand and stumbling after me; not at all the daring girl I'd met in the club. I had managed to make her timid, as a predator often does to his prey… But she had to mean so much more to me; otherwise I wouldn't have put the effort into the pursuit. Women were often willing to fall after me, allowing me easy prey… but the chase wasn't there… No excitement…

No mystery.

I smiled again, leading her out of the station and onto the crowded street. "I promised you dinner."

She nodded, "I remember that to be the idea."

I nodded, feeling for once a bit awkward and out of place, as though we were both from different planets and had no means of conversing. It was like being a young, high school candidate again and unable to talk to girls. "Good," My smile became wolfish. "Because the idea's changed."

She swallowed, staring at me with large eyes. "I-it has?" She choked out.

I barked out a laugh and pulled her down the street toward a wide, cobblestone square, where the faint scent of roses was lost in the smell of the city. "We can take some time to walk around in peace."

She nodded timidly, and I laughed.

"Don't worry, we'll eat afterward." I promised as we broke into the square and the smell of the gardens overwhelmed the nauseating smells of exhaust. She gasped.

A touch of tenderness pressed against my split heart. _He_ had not the patience to walk through the gardens. _His_ desires were to take her back to my apartment, lead her into the bedroom, spread her over the black sheets and deep red pillows and show her the hunter she had tried to stalk. I clenched my fist tightly, until a tiny cut burst out and began to bleed. _He_ retreated, and the human part of my heart stepped forward and took _her_ hand.

She blushed and turned to stare at me. "K-Kenshin!" A tiny smile burst forth on her face at the obvious enjoyment of my touch. Out of nowhere, the colder side of me melted away and I was no longer trying to stalk her like a predator. I was only a man, standing with a woman in a place that smelled like heaven.

Without thinking, I reached over and brushed a stray piece of her hair out of her face. I loved the way she looked, and my body was numb for a moment. I mentally jarred myself out of the moment, feeling the ice spread back over my heart. I turned back toward the street, pulling her along.

"Let's get something to eat."

She nodded, the smile had faded and she was returned to her half-fearful silence. But I—stepping back into the street—nearly turned back to the garden I had so loved the place it had taken me. For a single instant, my existence had been whole and uninterrupted by my will to keep my darker side undetected.

"_But what is one who is neither living nor dead?"_ I ignored the whisper in my ear, pulling her down the street—afraid that she may have seen the turmoil in my eyes—as though I was running from all the demons of hell.

That night, when I returned to my apartment, I dropped my key on the table and felt the unmistakable shaking of my phone just an instant before it started to ring. "Hello?"

"Himura-san," The voice belonged to Katsura-san… "Himura-san… I have another job for you."

I don't know how I answered, because of the sudden rushing in my ears and the pounding of my heart in my chest that sounded unmistakably like the repeating, beating and screaming of my soul, willing that I refuse the mission. _'No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO!'_ It screamed, until I finally was reaching for the 'End' button on my phone and murmuring the words that spoke of my true self, however I denied it.

"Yes, Katsura-san."

**End Chapter Five**


	6. Chasing Shadows

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: I know you all complained about things moving too fast in the last chapter (I'm still not seeing that, really… Things moved a lot faster in chapters previous, I think…), so I suppose I'll move considerably slower in this chapter. It was a lot of Kenshin switching between the desires of both his halves (Love vs. Lust for women), and realizing that he was particularly fond of Kaoru. **

**In other news, I'm leaving for school on Thursday, and won't be online again until the 20th, at the very earliest. It's a two-day drive to Jacksonville, and my parents and I aren't going to push ourselves too much to make it in just a day… I'm nearly packed (my computer will probably be among the last things to be packed), save for a few bits of clothes that I can wear. Just know that updates will probably come more frequently now, when I have time between class, work-study, and the Harry Potter RPG I'll be participating in this semester and beyond. Actually, it's not that scary. I'll just be really busy and will have to write late at night, after papers.  
**

**Chapter Six- Chasing Shadows**

I turned the key in the lock to my apartment and opened the door to hear the loud caterwauling of my cat, begging to be fed.

"Shush, Kuma," I murmured to the cat, pouring a bit of food into the already overweight cat's bowl. He chomped happily on the food, purring contentedly at his my return.

I, on the other hand, slumped onto my couch with a brief sigh. I'd gone out on another date with Kenshin—the second within a week's time—but had come home feeling particularly unhappy and lonely. He had gotten a phone call during dinner, and hadn't been the same afterward. He was jumpy, distant, and utterly silent, rather than his usually calm and semi-personable personality.

Then again, I thought, maybe I'd pegged him wrong.

He had left just after dinner, leaving me in the train station looking stunned and abandoned, while he took off with a faded, preoccupied expression. I turned my head to scream into the couch, which Kuma heard loud and clear. The sounds made him jump and take off into the bedroom with speed I hadn't thought possible for such a large cat. I bit the inside of my cheek to fight a laugh. My frustrations settled just enough to attempt rational thinking.

Maybe there was something wrong with someone in his family, came a thought.

Somehow, that speculation didn't match. Kenshin never mentioned anything about family, and I couldn't really see him with close relationships with his family members. He was a loner, through and through.

I dropped my head back onto a cushion and stared aimlessly at my ceiling, pondering the meaning of Kenshin's strange behavior. He had almost seemed warm at certain points during the first date… but kept sliding back into a formal demeanor that rather unnerved me. After that, however, he never showed any great amounts of warmth toward me.

I played with my hands, wringing them in and out, back and forth. I still wasn't sure what had possessed me to approach him in that club. He had stood out from the rest of the hordes of people, and I was inexorably attracted to him. I had approached him before I knew it, talked to him before I knew what I was saying, and had given him my number without thinking of dangers and consequences.

Hell, my card even had my address on it. He could easily walk up to my apartment and… I shivered at the prospect of anything negative happening to me in response to my first attempt at throwing myself into the heart of my impulses.

Don't think about that! I ordered myself softly and rolled off the couch, catching myself with mild grace and standing straight. I smiled vaguely. "No one saw that…" I laughed to no one but my cat.

"Well, except me." A cool, calm voice rose and climbed across the apartment space to me.

I jumped, shrieking loudly and turning to stare at Kenshin, who was serenely perched on the armrest of my chair as though it was natural and normal. "K-Kenshin!" I grabbed for the table, stunned. I had no idea how he'd managed to get into my apartment without my realizing. "What—How? When?" I stammered.

He only smiled distantly and stood and I noticed his long katana for the first time. "The window in your bedroom was unlocked" (My face flamed as I heard him tell me he'd already seen my bedroom) "and I let myself in just a few moments ago…" He took a few silent steps toward me. "I came to see you."

I was shaking awfully, clutching at the table and feeling as though I wanted to grab something to defend myself with. Whatever Kenshin was at that moment, it was not the quiet and cool man I'd slowly come to know. I was afraid of this side of him… the brazen, unafraid, silent man who struck me as entirely deadly. I took a step away from him, praying fervently that something would happen to spare me from whatever fate I had feared in that moment.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Kaoru," He murmured, stepping closer toward me in his black clothes, made for hiding in shadows. I didn't trust this part of him… Was it even Kenshin? I wondered, continuing to back away from him. He never used my first name, and only my first name.

Very suddenly, I felt my back collide with a shelf. A porcelain vase shuddered and rattled back and forth dangerously. He had pinned me against the wall. His arm shot out and blocked an escape to my left, which was the way to the door.

"Trust me, Kaoru," He whispered to my ear.

"No!" I cried, shoving at him with all my might. Surprisingly enough, he stumbled back, katana clenched tightly in his hand. A flash of dark fury, mixed with pain, was etched in his features for no more than half an instant before he turned and disappeared with the agility of wind.

I lowered myself to my knees for fear they would give out from shaking so very much. There was little question of what his intentions may have been, but what surprised me most was how easily he'd run when I'd shoved him away. I knew better than to think that Kenshin was a weak man. Still trembling, I pulled myself to my feet, keeping myself steady on the back of my couch.

After such an incident, I had little intention of ever seeing Kenshin again. As I picked up things I hadn't realized that I'd knocked over, I was certain that I couldn't stay near him, no matter how cool he usually seemed. The reckless part of him I'd just met terrified me more than I could stand to feel.

A few things continued to bother me over the next few weeks as I ignored his phone calls and avoided the train he took to work in the morning. Why did he have a sword so obviously made for combat and killing in this day and age?

And why had he looked so pained when I pushed him away?

**End Chapter Six**


	7. Darkness Falling

**Shades of Gray**

**Chapter Seven- Darkness Falling**

I stared blankly across the bar, absently counting the bottles of liquor neatly lined in their case. I, Himura Kenshin, doctor, assassin, fool, had made a great mistake. Why had I gone to see Kaoru after a job? Why, when she could have easily seen the blood—still wet—on my clothes? When my sword was out? When something that had shown promise to be more than what everything else I'd experienced had been was slowly growing into something else. I had felt it the first time I'd gone somewhere with her… the feeling where my impossible halves were joined for once in peaceful union. Whether or not it was anything romantic… it was strange to feel so early. So I pursued it.

"You should just kill her. It's easier." My lip turned up in disgust at the voice.

"Maybe I should just kill you, instead," I hissed over my drink, not even bothering to look up.

Iizuka laughed merrily, but I noticed that he didn't move any closer to me. "Women aren't worth the hassle."

I suppressed a disgusted noise, wanting nothing more than to draw my sword and slay the man for suggesting such an awful thing. He leaned down next to my ear.

"You let her see, didn't you?"

"Shut up," I growled, but he persisted.

"She didn't accept it, did she?" His taunting voice dug into my brain, deeper and deeper.

"I'm warning you…" My hand twitched angrily.

"She was afraid of you, wasn't she? She pushed you away and screamed like you were making her a victim, didn't she?"

"Shut _up_!" I bellowed, out of my seat in a flash and pressing my hand around his neck, forcing him back against the bar. "Now," I continued calmly, just before releasing him. "Get out."

He skidded to the side to get away from me, and the other patrons of the bar looked away in a frightened kind of way.

"Katsura-sama will know about this! She could blow our covers, and it'd be on your head, Himura!"

I scoffed and dropped payment for my drink onto the counter. "I don't care."

Stalking out of the bar, I attracted a few stares. I decided to return to my apartment instead of making a spectacle of my mood. It didn't take me long, and soon I was staring at my shrine, only to close the door and head for my bedroom. Stripping off my clothes, I laid on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.

There was no good reason for me to be so depressed about a woman and her rejection of what I was, deep down underneath my shell.

_One who is not living… One who is not dead… One who is neither… what am I?_

I shuddered, rolling over onto my side. Maybe I had thought she could answer that question, the woman who had brought both my sides together; the one who could make it clear as to who I was, and what I was meant to be and do… to make me human.

I shuddered at the radical thought. It didn't even make sense, my attraction to her, which had dropped out of the blue, nor these thoughts of coming "alive". I had always thought that I was at least living… if only two incomplete lives. Slowly, lost in thought, I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

What felt like seconds later, though—according to my clock—it had been hours, my phone rang shrilly, driving me out of the tentative sleep I had found. I stared at the phone through bleary eyes, before registering the name that was flashing across the screen. My heart stopped.

"Hello?" I answered quickly, my heart restarting and racing against my chest.

"Himura-san, I understand we have a situation?" Katsura-san's voice was quiet, as though vaguely hoping I would deny this "situation."

"A situation?" I feigned ignorance.

"Iizuka claims that there's a possible breach in secrecy… about you." I wondered if my heart was going to burst from my chest.

"To the authorities?" I asked, again pretending to know nothing.

"Himura-san!" His voice was sharp. "Stop pretending! You know well what's going on!" I had never heard Katsura-san lose his temper.

"Yes, Katsura-san," I answered simply. "I don't see this as a problem, though. She's avoided me," My voice was cool and even. "She probably didn't even see anything, anyway. Just the sword." I could hear the sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.

"This is unforgivable, Himura-san. If this gets out, we're all doomed. We won't be able to get out of this."

"And what if Iizuka doesn't clean up the scenes well enough? What if they track the murders to me? Then what? Will your connections be enough to save me from certain death?" My tone never rose nor fell, but I was angry. He had never considered how his plans could fall through. I had never trusted Iizuka, and no amount of persuasion would change that.

"They won't be able to save any of us if she goes to the police with what she saw. She may have seen more than you know, Himura-san," There was a long pause. "Himura-san, you must kill her. Tonight. Iizuka has her information. If she's alive by morning, we'll do it ourselves."

A large swelling in my chest grew to impossible proportions. I couldn't kill her… of all the people I'd killed, I knew I wouldn't—couldn't—see her dead. She was the one who was going to save me.

I couldn't let her die.

"Himura-san," I fell back to reality. "You are in serious danger because of this woman. I don't know what she means to you, but you mustn't let it get in the way. She could seriously harm you and your safety."

"Of course, Katsura-san," I answered, closing my phone slowly and staring blankly at the ceiling. I already knew I couldn't do it, but I already knew there was nothing I could do.

So I dressed quickly, noting that there was no moon that night. I wore black, and packed some clothes. I wrote a quick note and slipped it under Seta-san's door, so that he would be able to tell anyone who inquired that I was visiting family in the north. _Family_ _sickness_, I wrote. _Very urgent. Will return soon_. It was not uncommon for estranged family to decide they wanted to return after a sudden visit home. I could call and leave everything behind. Have everything shipped to my parents in Hokkaido, letting them know I would come get it in time. That there was a sudden relocation. No one would ever have to know where I went.

In the back of my head, I wondered where my logic was coming from. If I wasn't going to kill Kaoru, and I was going to save her… where would she go? Did I think she would come with me? If even just to save her? I tried not to think too much about the expression of rejection on her face when she shoved me away as I dropped my things into my car and started toward her house.

Within moments I was in the parking lot in front of her apartment, and then outside her bedroom window.

I noticed that it was locked.

I sighed and rapped swiftly on the window. I could easily have gotten through the window, but I knew that would not be the way to get a good start to all this. She sat up slowly, waking softly, and stared out the window at me. I could hear the scream through the glass.

I sighed and reached over to the window, breaking the lock with little effort as I raised the window. "This isn't the time to be like this, Kamiya-san."

"What are you doing here?" She cried, holding her blankets around her chest tightly. "I don't want you here! Get out!"

I shook my head and stepped through the window, peering down to the parking lot before closing the window. "We need to leave now."

"I'm not leaving with you. You broke into my house… twice now! And you have a sword, and… and…" Her voice died, but left her defiance hanging in its wake.

"I can explain everything, but not here and not now."

"Are you that murderer?" She blurted out, staring at me, as though terrified that she'd asked.

I hesitated for a moment, then spoke. "Yes, Kamiya-san." I saw no point in lying to her at this point in time. "I work for… essentially the _yakuza_. They seek power, and I kill to make way for them to gain it."

Her eyes were wide and searching helplessly for an exit. "What do you want from me?" She whispered quietly, moving herself to curl up against the headboard.

"You saw me with my sword… they found out about it."

"They… want you to kill me…" She whispered faintly. I could tell that the thought of screaming never crossed her mind. "You're going to kill me."

I sighed and stepped toward her. I had not wanted to do any sort of explanations here. It would make getting her to come with me so much harder. "They sent me to kill you, and I came to save you. I won't kill you. I can't kill you… So I'm trying to save you."

She stared at me, dumbfounded. "But why?" She whispered. "And why should I believe you?"

I smiled for her, very subtly. "Because, there's something in you that may save me."

**End Chapter Seven**


	8. Daybreak Interlude

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: Alright people, don't stone me. I _know_ it's been a long time. I _know_ you all want to kill me for making you wait for so long… that it was a bad place… I got an interesting review today (since I hadn't checked my e-mail in a week…) saying that I wasn't being fair to you all… and I haven't. My writer's block refused to relent since I got here, and only yesterday did I finally get a breath of inspiration… So, other than this story, all other unfinished stories (save for _Rain, Rain_) are on permanent hiatus and updates will hopefully start coming at a more constant rate now that I'm falling into the flow of things (late in the semester, yes, but I'll have a handle on them for next semester). I usually don't make my chapters as long as I'd like to (I used to have a policy for making my chapters a minimum of five pages, typed… but that tends to keep artistic breathing room to a minimum, so I tend to break that rule.), so I write them whenever I can. I promise that I have a plan for this story, it's just been a bad year for me. The same review mentioned that they thought the current situation of our characters wouldn't be a good way for Kaoru to fall in love with Kenshin… but if you've read any previous stories of mine, you know I'm not likely to throw them into falling in love that quickly… or, if they are already, I'm not going to make it easy on them. _Shades of Gray_ will be no different in that aspect and I can promise surprises as to the plot. No, I'm not divulging them, but I can tell you that this chapter is the "intermission" between the two halves of the story and very heavy in plot advancement, but I'm really happy with how it turned out. After this chapter, a whole new side of the spectrum emerges, allowing for a new story to be told. In essence, the first half of the story is done, and the story is on the way to completion. This half will probably be easier to write for me, and I hope you all enjoy it. As always, reviews are welcome.**

**Chapter Eight- Daybreak Interlude**

There's an eerie calm about the world in the last few moments of night, and the dim light of coming morning; when everything sort of stops, and breathes, anticipating the first waves of light. The darkest moments of night are waiting for the light to finally come. Just when you lose hope that the light will come, calm comes over you, and you're afraid that the darkness will never go away, but you know that it must. You can already sort of tell that the sun is rising vaguely in the far off distance of the horizon, and it balances out the fear and the darkness in a strange equilibrium of hope and fear.

People move around you like shadows in those moments of darkness and light; uncertain forms, with no real faces and darkened forms. If you look closely through the morning light you can focus in on one of those faces and see the all the things about them; the truth about what they are. There is the hindrance of neither bright lights, which prevent you from seeing all of them, nor darkness, which provides you no means to see them at all. The light of this middle-verse is pure and truthful to you, once you learn how to see in it.

And while you wander the awkward light of this world, hoping fervently for the coming of the sun and of day, feeling—knowing—that these things would save your life, if you could only hold on a little longer. And the person you saw in the dim light of morning can mean nothing at all, or they could be everything. It all would depend on what you saw of them in those moments of morning twilight.

It's all like how the sun rises. Those last seconds when the first rays of light slowly come up over the horizon, slowly illuminating the world and making sense of everything you've never understood until that very instant in time. When everything stops; nothing breathes. You hold your breath in those moments, making wishes and staring in awe. Nothing moves, waiting for the light to come; waiting for illumination and understanding and everything you've ever hoped for, but never conceived the thought that you could dream about it. The whole world is at peace with itself for a single instant, the calm before the storm, the silence after the worst has past. It is the beginning and the end of all the things in your life. Finally, when your breath begins to burn in your chest out of the agony of waiting so long for the coming light, the brilliance of day and illumination over your darkest hours, it comes.

The sun rises, and you finally understand everything about the darkness; what didn't make sense before the light touched it, all the shadows that frightened you before, is comprehensible to you and no longer casts the darkness around you. The shadow-people around you are illuminated so you can see their physical beings, but their souls are shadowed again. And there, in the midst of the illumination and waking, you can see the person you examined before, except you know them so much more than you would have in any other time of day.

I stood over the ridge, looking out over a small valley while the sun quietly rose over the trees. It was all pinks, purples, and pastels caught on clouds and reflecting over the world. This was day… The night was over. The gray twilight of morning had passed as swiftly as it always has, except this morning I felt something twinge inside me. The question of whether I was living or dead banged around in my head along with all the thoughts I'd had in those moments watching the sun rise. I had never known the sunrise to be so gentle… it had always seemed so violent to me, the brilliant, angry oranges and reds filling the sky and overcoming the smothering darkness. Sunrise… Sunset… Did it matter? They were the same thing, really. They looked the same, even, except one symbolized life, and the other death. They both transitioned light and darkness, both with their bright colors, and both with their twilight moments between the complete takeover of light to dark, or dark to light. Sunrise, sunset… Life, Death… white, black... Good, Evil. What was the one common thing between all those things? The one, indifferent piece of everything… The answer to that question, I knew, would answer the question I'd been fighting so long. _Logically, if one is not dead, then one must be living. And, in following, if someone is not living, they must be dead… _What was I, then?

"But who is one who is neither living nor dead?" I mused aloud to the rising sun.

"Gray," Came a quiet reply from behind me. Kaoru's reply… I hadn't even known she'd woken up.

We'd driven all night after rushing from her apartment. She'd thrown together a few things, refused to leave her cat, and—after I'd rushed her in worried frustration and eventually given into her demands—packed a bag of necessities, a bag of cat food, and a loudly hissing cat carrier into my small backseat. It had been at that point that I'd wondered if simply abducting her would have been better, but at least she had trusted me enough to insist on those things. It was trust I didn't deserve from her.

"Pardon?" I turned slightly to face her.

"Someone's who's not living or dead… they're gray," She stood next to me, looking out over the ridge. I didn't say anything in my wonder over her answer, so she turned to look at me. "Where are we going now? How far did we get?" She turned her face away, "What are you going to do about everything?" I didn't have to look at her face to know she was really asking,_ 'What are you going to do about me?'_

I folded my arms over my chest and kicked at the dirt a little. "I've got a good friend in Kyoto… I think he can help you for a while. Let you get readjusted to life. If you need a new identity, he's the one to get it done for you. Shinimori-san is a reliable man."

"What are you going to do?" She whispered.

I shrugged and stilled my foot. "I'm not sure yet. I'll make sure no one traces you. I might go back to Katsura-san and get things straightened out… Not that I think he'll let me leave without a fight. He won't want me to be free to let something about the organization out… But, if he doesn't let me go, he knows I might do it anyway."

"He'll kill you." Kaoru's voice was unwavering.

"He'll probably try. But Katsura-san's a reasonable man. I can talk to him and let him know what his position is with me. I'm finished with his organization. I could turn myself in, but before anyone knew it, I'd be dead in the middle of the night without any clues as to who did it."

"I sort of thought you were his only assassin." Kaoru admitted, and I laughed.

"God, no. I know he's got at least two others working for him. Jin-e is based in Tokyo, but he travels most of the time for his jobs, and Shishio Makoto works out of Kyoto. No, Kaoru-san, I am not alone."

"Then why are you taking me to Kyoto?" She cried in fear.

I raised a hand to calm her. "Because no assassin will kill you in the care of Shinimori-san's organization, and because Shishio will hardly be interested in killing you."

"Aren't you being a little more than naïve about all this?"

I gave her a reproving stare. "Aren't you presuming the worse about everything, when you don't really know a thing about it?"

"I'd rather be prepared for anything… You dragged me out of my apartment last night to tell me there's a group of yakuza assassins out to kill me because of you! You're taking me to an unfamiliar city, to trust an unfamiliar man with connections about as savory as yours, where I'm exposed to another one of their assassins! You took me away from my home! From the place I knew! You took my life away from me because you wanted to play a silly game with me, to see what you could do to snare a woman! Why should I trust you? Why should I even be here with you?" She screamed, her voice echoing below us in the valley, breaking the calm that the sunrise had provided.

My eyes turned cold. "Then why are you still here?"

She stumbled back a step and stammered, "I-I don't know."

I took a step toward her. "I do. It's because you know, deep down inside you, that I'm telling the truth. You know I'm the only one you _can_ trust right now, because you know that if you'd stayed, you'd be dead now. You know I'd not lead you into danger, and that I'd not bring you to someone who wouldn't understand your situation and take steps to ensure your safety. You know this because you know that you trust me regardless of how little I deserve it," I stepped closer to the ledge and away from her. "Regardless of how dark you know the shadows in me are."

She seemed more stunned than anything. It took her a moment to recover, but when she did, she looked up at the sun which had risen above the horizon to oversee the new day. "Let's go. We've got a way to go now, I guess." The tone in her voice immediately pacified me, and I knew she was the one I'd seen in that gray twilight of morning. I also knew that she was important… more so than I had previously thought. We got in the car silently, the cat carrier now silent also.

Kaoru looked up at me with her dark, indigo eyes troubled. "Regardless of all those things… I still know how bright the light can shine in all of us, too." She told me softly before pulling her seatbelt down and curling against the window again.

I didn't say anything to answer her, but it was then that we drove together into the growing light.

**End Chapter Eight**


	9. Companion to Our Demons

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: It's been a while… The last post I made on the site was _Hopelessly_, which hasn't received any reviews, but 100+ hits, which I think might be a good sign… No one's told me it's terrible yet, and I'm not going to take the lack of reviews as reason for me to remove it; I like it. Also, as I mentioned in my profile page (which some people visit from time to time…), I'm actively searching for a beta reader for all of my work. I need an open-minded individual with the time to read over my finished chapters and point out any errors, contextual, grammatical, or otherwise that must be remedied. For a full outline of what kind of person I'm looking for, and to contact me for more information, please see my profile. I know it's been quite some time since I updated this story, but I assure you that I haven't given up. This is just one story that I cannot write without the aide of my muses which have, sadly, been otherwise occupied with school work. While it has been a while, I'm really glad that I got this chapter done… It's considerably longer than my updates have been (at about 7 ½ pages), and I hope it fulfills your expectations. It's pretty dialogue-heavy, but a good deal of plot advancement is made, and we're starting to get into the "second" plot. As I wrote this chapter, I realized that this story has opened up a great deal, and there is a LOT that must be accomplished… Except I'm not rushing it. This will probably be a very long story (at least ten to fifteen more chapters), so we haven't even hit the mid-point. Everything that has happened up to this point has been to set up for the coming plot, and there will be a lot that will happen. I'm really excited… As always, please review!**

**Chapter Nine- Companion to Our Demons**

Kaoru stirred next to me, as though she could sense that we'd arrived to the Aoiya and her destination. "Nn… Kenshin?" She murmured, looking just as innocent and unknowing as when I'd first met her, which seemed like ages before.

"Yes?" I was quiet, keeping my eyes trained on the bustling streets, though the car wasn't moving, and there was a great amount of stir from inside the restaurant.

Her eyes fluttered and the ocean within them stared me down. "We're here, aren't we?"

I merely nodded and unbuckled my seatbelt before opening the door and stepping out. As I walked around the car, a girl just younger than Kaoru stepped out of the traditional door of the restaurant, braid swinging and mouth gaping.

"Who're you?" She cried, staring at me. The wizened voice of an older man echoed after her.

"Misao-chan! What a horrible way to greet--" He stepped into the doorframe and stared at me. "Himura-san."

"Okina-dono, it's good to see you again. Would it be an inconvenience for me to visit with Shinimori-san at the moment?" I bowed politely, opening Kaoru's door and helping her out of the car.

Okina frowned. "No, I'm sure he will be… _glad_ for your visit. What is your business in Kyoto?"

I smiled wryly. "I'm on the run."

The frown lines deepened on the older man. "We haven't heard anything yet…"

I sighed, reaching into the back for Kaoru's cat. "Can we come in?" He nodded quietly, and I tried to ignore Kaoru's puzzled look, begging me for some kind of answer to this great riddle she'd found herself caught up in. "Come on," I told her quietly. "I'll explain everything inside." I continued, not only for her, but also for the man's benefit.

"Misao-chan, tell Okon and Omasu to prepare some tea and bring it to us." Okina told the girl, and she darted off toward where I knew the kitchen was. He then turned and waved for us to follow him to a room I'd been in before. We slipped off our shoes and followed down a dimmed hallway.

"What could it be that Himura-san has gotten himself into now, that he needs the services of the Oniwabanshu?" Okina questioned quietly, partly to the old walls, but I also knew he was partly trying to understand my motives.

I chose not to answer him until we were settled in the room. "I would like it if Aoshi were to be present for our chat… It's quite a bit to explain. I wouldn't like to do it twice." Okina only nodded once in response and slid a door open, gesturing for us to enter.

Kaoru stumbled a bit, and reached for her cat as soon as we were settled on cushions in the room. "Kuma… Kuma…" She murmured, petting the mewing creature to comfort him, as well as herself.

We sat in silence, Okina peering curiously at Kaoru and her desperation for comfort. I didn't blame her, really, after everything. I wondered briefly why she believed me when I came to her and insisted she come with me. We had known each other for no more than two months… No more than some casual dating… Not even enough to call ourselves solely dedicated to figuring out if we could "work". I'd met her in a club after a kill… Been attracted to her… Had attracted her to me, and had caught her in a web of deceit; an inescapable spiral of destruction.

I had ruined her life over some kind of strange attraction to her… Some obsession with her ordinary ways, which seemed so extraordinary to me… I couldn't let her go, even as I was frigid toward her. And as I had been selfish enough to keep her, I destroyed her life by showing her a side of mine that belonged to the darkness. I endangered her, destroyed her, and I barely knew her.

The door slid open, and the braided girl from before stepped inside with a tray of tea. "Here's the tea, Jiya." She announced.

The old man nodded. "Thank you, Misao-chan."

"Misao-san?" I asked politely, unsure of her last name.

She turned, surprised. "Y-yes?" Okina seemed surprised that I was addressing her as well.

"Could you take my companion somewhere to freshen up a bit? We've been traveling all night, and much of today. I'm sure she'd appreciate it, if you don't mind." Kaoru shot me a look of dulled surprise; she had not been expecting such a thing.

"I want to stay…" She protested quietly, and I smiled a rare, true smile for her.

"Please, make yourself comfortable, Kaoru. It will be better for you." I assured her. "I will take care of this."

She frowned, but stood and followed Misao, who smiled kindly and gestured for her to follow to another room. Delayed by a few seconds, the door slid shut after they had left, and Aoshi had entered the room.

"Himura-san." He stated quietly, kneeling on one of the cushions.

"Aoshi… It's good to see you again." He made no further comment, and I turned my attention to include Okina, who looked as though he had many questions for me.

"Who is she, Himura?" He began slowly, masking his interest in the whole affair.

"An unfortunate involvement in my… affairs." Aoshi's indifferent expression turned dark at my statement. "A great mistake on my part… I'm lucky it took Katsura-san this long to realize what I have done."

Okina sighed. "You will have to be more specific."

I settled and poured myself a cup of tea, blowing carefully on it before taking a drink. "I'm not entirely sure what attracted me to Kaoru… I imagine that she's nothing more than a college student, trying to make her way through. I met her one night… She gave me her card. I called her, and we went out… Often, even, for a few weeks," I sighed at this statement, remembering how things had been, when I'd still been caught between two pieces of myself. "I was cool toward her, but… I still couldn't shake the feeling that she was important to… something."

Aoshi's level gaze was unnerving me, but it wavered briefly at these words. "Something, Himura-san?"

I nodded slowly. "I've been a doctor for a few years now, Aoshi… I've been an assassin for even longer. I could not leave one field for the other, without feeling partially empty," I glanced out the window for a moment, gazing longingly over the city I'd called home a long time before. "Believe me when I say that I have tried to leave Katsura-san's service." I looked back at the two men before me. "Somehow, she makes me feel that I wouldn't be so empty if I left that destructive part of me behind to be with her," I began laughing at this statement. "And I barely know her."

Okina nodded. "Perhaps I can understand that. Continue?"

I took another long sip at my tea. "Like I said, we went out often over the next few weeks… I eventually got a call for a job while we were out… When I finished the job I… I still wanted to see her, and I went to her apartment. Still dressed for the kill, with my katana, I came into her home and saw her… She saw me, and I… I frightened her. After I left, I heard nothing from her for a few more weeks… I went out on my own, and Iizuka," At this, my face darkened, and I noted that both of the other men had a darker expression as well. We were all well acquainted with the man. "came to the bar… Told me he knew about her and how she'd reacted to me. I threatened him, and left. Katsura-san called me later that night to tell me that I had to… I had to dispose of her at the risk that she might turn me in and there could be no contact to help me then."

I exhaled slowly, lifting the tea to my lips and dropping it down again. "There's quite a police task force looking for a serial killer in Tokyo who kills with no real plan… Who murders high-up officials and businessmen who are often corrupt, but also who have unknown ties to the _yakuza_ that get them killed for crossing Katsura-san. Often, they are just men who stand in his way." I shook my head. I had never really thought about what I did for Katsura-san. I knew I made good money. I knew I was a doctor, and my Hippocratic Oath should have ensured that I never took life… I knew that I had spent years in inner turmoil trying to sort out the two sides of me. I also knew that I couldn't keep up the two sides any longer, and I had chosen to leave that all behind… If I could get away from it first.

"We'd heard rumors, of course, but we never said anything to connect them to you, Himura-san." Okina acknowledged.

I sighed, and then continued. "So I was told to kill her… And, considering the strange things I felt with her… Feeling as though her ordinary lifestyle could save me from myself… I couldn't kill her. I went to her apartment in the middle of the night and asked her to come with me… I still don't know why she trusted me… She shouldn't have, by all means. She barely knows me, even after going out together for a few weeks."

"And now you're here." Aoshi supplemented quietly, finally breaking his silence to stare at me.

"I have a favor to ask of the Oniwabanshu." I told them, quietly staring at my cup.

"We cannot hide you, Himura-san. Shishio Makoto is becoming more active in the city… Assassinating people he is not assigned to kill… Killing people that seem to be interfering with his own personal agenda… He will be instructed to kill you immediately the moment he gets wind that you're here. You will be a threat to his agenda… You will also bring his wrath upon the Oniwabanshu if you stay here." Aoshi's eyes were dark and serious. "We cannot help you."

I offered him a smile. "I am not asking for you to let me stay here… I am asking you to allow Kaoru to stay here. I have already destroyed her life… I can think of no other place where she will be as safe as she is here. I am asking you to help her rebuild her life. Come up with whatever you can to help her rebuild everything here… Create an identity for her, let her stay here. Protect her, and help her continue on with whatever ordinary ways she can muster at this point. I will leave Kyoto… Lead them away and…" I sighed. "And I will somehow make things safe. If they will not allow me to leave their ranks without a fight, I shall fight them. If I do not survive, then so be it. They will find another assassin to take my place in Tokyo. They will have eliminated me, and… I will set up her death so they do not pursue her much further."

Okina's eyes rose to meet mine. "How do you plan on faking her death?"

"I have already kidnapped her… We took some of her things, as you can see, but I'm sure that they will have already ransacked her apartment. A simple set up… She has been kidnapped by the public's eye… It will be a matter of faking some sort of body…" I shook my head, realizing how foolish my plan was. "There is no way I can truly fake it, though. DNA testing will prove it is not her."

Aoshi held up a hand. "We will figure things out… You must talk to Yukishiro Enishi… Your past feuds are solved, and I am certain he will help you. He often helps the Oniwabanshu. We will help the girl. We cannot help you any further than two night's rest here, though."

I bowed to the two men. "I thank you for your help. Please take care of her."

"Of course we will." Okina insisted gently, offering me the first smile I had seen in many years. "And we will see you again when this is sorted out, I am sure."

Aoshi stood. "I will get Misao and Omasu to come in here… You must discuss some changes with them." Okina and I nodded, understanding what he meant, and shortly after the two women and Kaoru re-entered. She looked considerably better now that she had been refreshed, and the reality of things had begun to hit her.

"Misao-chan found an article about me... I asked her to check things… I wasn't sure if I could believe you…" There were tears forming in her eyes. "I wasn't sure if I could believe you for a long time when we were coming here… She looked, and there's an article… It says my house was ransacked, and we didn't do that, Kenshin… It also said I was missing from the apartment and my neighbors heard some kind of ruckus…" Her eyes were urgent. "It also said that there was evidence of a struggle, and… and…" She trailed off, staring at the tatami mats.

Misao patted her back. "What she's trying to say is that the article claims that the police found her body a few blocks away… Called it the act of a random madman. They picked up some criminal that they'd had their eye on for a while and put the death on him… Kaoru's family is dead, so a distraught neighbor "identified" her body and the funeral's next week… They're putting some tramp's body in a grave with her name on it…"

Okina's eyebrows went up. "I suppose that saves us the problem of a DNA test on a body…"

I shook my head. "Iizuka worked fast… It gets the police off the case… I'm sure they had some connections that took care of the case quickly… Leaves them free to take care of everything themselves." I ran a cold hand through my hair. "It also means that they won't rest until they see Kaoru die with their own eyes… and they will still want me."

Kaoru let out a choked sob. "I'm… Everyone I know will be there… I can't go back… I can never, ever… Never go back…"

I had never felt so guilty as I had in that moment. I had destroyed everything she had because of selfish demons… I looked away.

Misao smiled brightly for her. "Oh, Kaoru, don't worry! We're the Oniwabanshu! If Himura-san could have brought you to anyone to help you become safer… To help you rebuild a life, it would have had to be us. No one else can do it better. I promise you… We can recreate anything… School records, if you want to go to a University here… Birth records…" She grinned. "Elementary school report cards, if you like. It's going to be okay, I promise. Things may be different, but I promise that it'll work out in the end."

Kaoru nodded softly, lip still trembling.

Omasu finally spoke. "What are we in here for, Okina?"

"Kaoru cannot stay looking as she does now… We need to determine, with her consent and approval, changes that can be made to her appearance to help her be less recognizable. She will also need to pick up a new accent and different mannerisms to essentially "become" someone new." Okina provided. "We are to help Kaoru as a favor to Himura-san." He smiled to Kaoru. "Welcome to the Aoiya, Kaoru-san."

She murmured thanks and bowed her head, her long black hair falling into her face.

"With your permission, Okina-dono, I suggest we allow Kaoru to first become acquainted with the Aoiya and its inhabitants before we throw her into her new life. She needs rest, as do I. With your permission, could we retire for a few hours? We will be happy to join you for dinner, where we may further discuss our future paths." I interjected, before Misao and Omasu could completely throw themselves into this new task. Kaoru almost looked grateful, something I couldn't stand to see for all I'd done to her. There was no way to make up the damage done… I could only patch things up and hope it was enough…

_Enough for what?_ I demanded of myself. I couldn't seriously believe that she could ever want so much as friendship from me after this chaos I had caused. A large part of me wanted something more… Something that would explain why she could complete me and make me… make me _right_ if I ever managed to escape the _yakuza_ and their tight grip on me.

"Of course, Himura-san. We would be glad if you and Kaoru-san would stay in your old room." Okina bowed to us as we stood, bowed in return, and Kaoru followed me into the hallway.

Wordlessly, I led her to the room I had used so long before. We were about to turn into the hallway where I remembered it to be, when…

"Kenshin…?"

I jumped, surprised at her quiet tone. "Y-yes, Kaoru?"

"Why do you have a room here? Did you live here?" I was stunned to realize that she was still trying to figure me out, as though nothing had happened and we were out on one of our dates.

"I…" I paused, unsure how to continue. It was such a very long story… "I did stay here once, a very long time ago."

She nodded, as though satisfied with that answer, and I stopped in front of the door. I slid it open and found that there was a spare futon in the room, just as I had remembered there to be. I had never used it, but it always lie there… As if the Oniwabanshu expected it to one day magically fill with someone I had opened myself up to… I bit back a laugh at the irony of it.

As she stepped into the room, I gently touched her arm and she turned to look at me with wide, innocent eyes, just as I remembered from meeting her that first night… The smell of her perfume, something I had smelled every day in the train station and long before attached to her, wafted into my nostrils.

_Jasmine…_ I realized, staring at her. I had never realized what the smell was. Now, after everything had fallen apart, in this place of my past where I was born into the halfway, gray creature I'd been, I realized what it was. I wanted to be reborn again, in this place, as I had begun to be that morning under the sunrise, surrounded by the smell of her jasmine perfume.

I brushed a lock of her beautiful hair aside, and smiled sadly. The fear in her eyes fell away, and I kissed the ivory skin of her cheek.

_I wasn't in love with her._

"Kenshin…" She murmured, eyes staring up into mine. For some reason, she trusted me.

_I wasn't in love with her._

I swallowed the small knot in my throat. It had come from nowhere. "Yes?"

_I wasn't in love with her._

She leaned forward, reaching up a bit, and pressed a soft kiss on my cheek.

_I wasn't in love with her…_

But I leaned down and kissed her rosy lips. I kissed her because I was glad I had met her, because I wanted to thank her for saving me, because I wanted to save her now, because she had somehow come to mean more than my old life, and because I was so very sorry for destroying hers. I kissed her because I was desperate, and my world was crashing down around me, and because in the midst of all that, I only wanted to save her.

_I wasn't in love with her._

I pulled away and looked into her eyes with my own haunted. "Kaoru… I'm so sorry."

_Not yet, at least._

**End Chapter Nine**


	10. Far Away

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: So, the official search for a beta has ended… I now have—apparently—two volunteer readers. MSW-sama (MysticShadowWanderer) and gure have volunteered to be my betas, and I would like to give them a happy welcome and huge thanks for offering to help me! This chapter is coming out much, much faster than previous, mostly because I have time and inspiration to write again… Though, my room is FREEZING because the air conditioning is on… My room must be around 60 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm sitting here in my pajamas, a robe, and my woolen coat, and I'm still freezing. But, alas, I'm writing this chapter for all of you now, in hopes that I can get this up soon. **

**Chapter Ten- Far Away**

Kaoru hadn't said much as we settled into the room that would soon be hers, once I left. Never once mentioning the kiss and how she had stepped—silently stunned—away from me as I retreated, she grabbed some toiletries and a towel and stepped out to take a long bath. I peered out the window and then slid down the wall. All I really wanted was a short nap; I hadn't gotten any sleep since I'd fallen asleep after the encounter with Iizuka in the bar. I closed my eyes and drifted off into a nervous half-sleep.

Roughly an hour later, the door slid open, and I was vaguely aware in my sleepy stupor that she was crossing the room, picking up her cat, and settling on a futon. After that, I finally fell into real sleep for another short hour and a half.

When I woke, the room was dimming, and the afternoon was dying. Kaoru was asleep on the futon, and the cat was curled next to her in a tight little ball. I smiled, then looked away to preserve her modesty; the light robe she'd put on after her bath had slid dangerously low on her shoulder. I rummaged through my small bag and pulled out a fresh set of clothing, which didn't take long to change into once I'd left the room for a small bathroom just down the hall.

A quick glance into the mirror revealed that the sleep had done some to diminish my unhappy appearance, though when I looked closer, my whole surface seemed stretched thin by the stress. I raised an arm to my forehead and leaned with it against the doorframe. I was very, very tired. I was also very, very worried about Kaoru. I feared for what may happen when I left, and if she would truly be safe with the Oniwabanshu. I had no doubt that they would protect her with all of their might…

_But would that be enough?_ My mind pestered me insistently. Kaoru meant so much to me, since I had ruined everything for her. I wouldn't let her die over my foolish selfishness… and I needed her to survive, because…

_Because she's saving me… And I want to save her just the same._ I turned and splashed a little water on my face to rejuvenate me and make me look less exhausted. I had to be strong if I intended on saving her. I returned to the room to find that she had woken, dressed, and was preparing to go to the dining room for dinner with the inhabitants of the Aoiya. Smiling for her, I followed down the stairs.

The small, private dining room was bustling with livelihood and noise when we entered quietly. Misao seemed to be the source of a good deal of the noise, but it didn't seem to bother any of the other inhabitants of the room, but as we entered, she looked curiously at Kaoru and started whispering to Omasu. Kaoru kneeled on a cushion and accepted a bowl from Okon. Okina smiled to her.

"Well, Kaoru-san… Are you feeling any better?"

She nodded, not quite meeting my eyes as I took a bowl from beside her. "Quite, thank you."

Omasu and Misao stopped whispering to one another and Misao smiled brightly to Kaoru. "Kaoru-san, have you thought of what you'd like to look like?"

Kaoru blinked. "What?"

"Your disguise," I clarified for her. "They want to know if you've decided what you'd like to change… How you want to look."

She stared at her food. "I don't know… What… Whatever you like, so long as you ask me first."

Omasu smiled. "Well, then… Kaoru-san… I'm asking your permission to cut and dye your hair…" Kaoru's eyes widened and her head shot up at this statement, before Omasu's hand reached for hers to calm her. "Nothing _dramatic_, just a subtle change that could help you… blend."

Kaoru's hand reached up to touch her long hair. "I…I don't know…"

Misao smiled gently. "No offense meant, but your hair could be a darker black… Sort of an inky, blue-black, you know?" She bit her lip, staring at Kaoru's hair. "And, Kaoru-san… If you'll let us… I'd like to cut your hair short."

Kaoru cried out, both hands flying to her hair. "No!" My hand reached for hers, but she didn't seem to object to the touch. "Kenshin, I won't do it!"

Okina raised his eyebrows in mild curiosity, for she had called out for me and everyone had heard. Certainly, I was the only one she knew for more than a few hours, but after betraying her, she should have offered more regard to strangers. Omasu smiled, immediately removing the tension in the room.

"Kaoru-san… I promised it will be nothing dramatic. I also promise that you will love it." Omasu exchanged a glance with Misao. "I also promise that it won't be too terribly short." She touched Kaoru's arm, no more than two inches down her back. "No shorter than that, you have my word."

Kaoru nodded, and turned to look into my eyes for the first time since I'd kissed her that afternoon. I smiled for her.

"It will be okay, Kaoru. I will do everything I can to make it okay." I assured her, and I felt her relax next to me. She smiled to the other women and they began to chat lightly about things they could do to change her appearance.

Aoshi looked at me pointedly. "I've asked Yukishiro-san to come tonight after the meal to discuss… plans with you. He has agreed, despite your past… circumstances to work with you. To help you."

I nodded. "Thank you, Shinomori-san. I am in your debt. I cannot thank you enough."

He scoffed. "You have done enough for me. There is no debt to repay now." I immediately understood that he meant that his was no longer existent. I did not mind.

After the meal, everyone left quickly, sensing that Kaoru and I needed a moment. Before Kaoru left for another part of the house for her makeover, however, she touched my arm and smiled for me. I imagined that she had spent plenty of time thinking about what I had done earlier. Apparently, she could meet my eyes again.

"Kaoru… I want you to know that I truly am sorry. I will never be able to apologize to you for everything… I don't think I can ever make it up to you." I bowed my head and stood, offering my hand to help her up. She took it and I pulled her to her feet.

"Kenshin…" She blushed and stared at the floor. "Maybe things will be different for me, and maybe I'm in danger because of you… But I'm going to be okay. I'm strong, and…" She looked up to me again. "And I think I trust these people. I'm sorry for what I said this morning." She took my hand and squeezed it gently. "I trust you, Kenshin. I trust you with my life, and everything. And even if you put me in all this danger… even if you destroyed the life I had before this… Even then, I'm still happy I met you. I'm still happy I know you, and I trust you and I was happy this afternoon when you… you…"

I couldn't help but stare at the ground, remembering how I'd kissed her.

"When you did this…" She murmured, leaning toward me and pressing a quick kiss to my lips. "If that's how you wanted to apologize to me, then…" Her voice ceased to be quite so meek, and grew stronger. "Then I don't mind. I don't know if I'll see you again after you leave… I don't want to remember you as someone who ruined my old life. I'd rather remember you as someone who gave me my new life."

I was suddenly shaking. "K-Kaoru." She couldn't know how close she was getting to the thoughts I'd been having before I kissed her… could she?

Her smile was as kind as I remembered it in Tokyo, before everything had fallen down. She had amazing adaptability; even as everything was torn apart, she held a firm, untainted smile on her lips and put her whole heart into everything.

I had never met anyone so beautiful since…

"Himura-san!" I jumped at the familiar voice, though it was certainly the first time I'd heard it offering a kind tone to my name. Kaoru stepped away from me out of modesty and bowed to the new-comer.

"I'll see you later…" She whispered, and left the room.

"Yukishiro-san… Thank you for coming." Enishi brushed off the remark and took off his sport coat and dropped it next to the cushion he chose to kneel on.

"I…" He gave a loud, true laugh, something I had never heard from him before. "I made a promise, didn't I?"

"_You're leaving Kyoto, aren't you?" Enishi stared at me over the gaping hole that was Tomoe's grave, looking for answers in my tormented eyes. The coffin was already laid neatly at the bottom, the great arrangement of irises already taken from the top and carried away in pieces by everyone who would miss her; everyone else, who had already left the ceremony. _

_In my hand, I held nothing but a pair of golden bands that held no meaning to anyone but myself. This place held no meaning to me, either. "Yes. I'm leaving." I managed stiffly. Enishi and I had never gotten along._

"_You know…" His brown eyes rose, looking away from the coffin. A butterfly had landed there, moving its wings up and down in a slow, rhythmic motion. "I don't think… Tomoe… ever liked it when we fought."_

_I nodded for civility's sake. "I don't imagine she did, either." There was a long history of bad blood between the two of us. _

"_Himura-san..." Enishi gazed at the butterfly; inside his eyes, I could see the heartache he endured from his sister's death. "I want to bury this." _

_I knew he wasn't talking about his sister. "So do I."_

"_So, if you ever get away from the madness you've created for yourself… If you ever do, and if you ever need help with anything… I swear, over my sister's grave, that I'll do what I can to help you. For her sake… I want to bury this."_

_I nodded, and I picked up a shovel. "Let's bury this." He picked up the other shovel, and together we buried Himura Tomoe._

"That was five years ago, Yukishiro-san." I kneeled again, facing him.

"I keep to my work, Himura-san. So did you. I just thought you'd have gotten away from those _yakuza_ bastards a long time ago, for her sake. She hated it, you know."

"It killed her." I forced, my hand shaking. "But I left…"

Enishi laughed heartily. "And that girl… I think she's the cause of it, isn't she?"

"I couldn't let her die. I had to save her… I was in a bad way in Tokyo after _she_ died. I didn't leave, because I just couldn't bring myself to… I was lost in that evil… That girl you saw, Kaoru, was the only light I've seen since Tomoe's went out."

"I'm going to help you, Himura-san. And I'll help her if I ever can, until you come back."

"I'm not sure I'll survive, Enishi." I admitted, and it was true. My greatest fear was that I wouldn't survive long enough to get Katsura-san off of me, or to turn the entire group in… What would that spell for me?

"Well, that's what I'm here for, Kenshin." My name sounded strange rolling off his tongue. He'd never said it to me before. "I'm going to make sure you survive. Now… Let's talk about this plan of yours."

I ran a hand through my hair. "Originally, I planned on going back to Tokyo—"

"Out of the question." Enishi interjected.

I pushed on. "Going back to Tokyo, and having everything of mine shipped to Hokkaido… To my foster parents. And then… I'd go back for it eventually, but only after I… I don't know, after that." I finally finished lamely.

Enishi shook his head. "They'd track it to your parents… I don't care how strong that man is… They'd kill both of them."

I stared at my hands. "I… I thought that if I didn't think too hard about that, it couldn't happen."

"It's a very real possibility, Kenshin."

"Then what do I do, Enishi?" I asked him, feeling trapped by my own mistakes. "I can't stay here… Not only because it would bring Shishio Makoto's wrath upon the Oniwabanshu, or because it would reveal Kaoru… But because Aoshi will not allow it. I don't blame him."

Enishi scoffed. "Shishio is trying to form his own army to overthrow Katsura-san… Soon they won't have to worry about you… They'll be too wrapped up in saving themselves that they won't be able search for you."

"I don't want Shishio to take power, either."

Enishi sighed. "No one does. It's a dangerous situation to be in." He tugged his tie loose. "I'm feeling his pressures because of my position. I'm not giving in, and I'm not forming ties with him…"

"A wise idea for both yourself and your company."

Enishi rolled up his sleeves and folded his hands on the table. "Himura-san, I think the only thing you can do at this point is to avoid Tokyo. Go to Hokkaido for a short while and see your parents. Make sure you aren't seen much, even though the likelihood of any important ties to Katsura-san in Hokkaido is unlikely, you shouldn't be seen much. I'll send regular word as to how things go here…"

"Enishi, I feel that this threat with Shishio is going to put more of a strain on Aoshi's resources and ability to take care of Kaoru… Why wouldn't he have told me about this, anyway?"

The white-blond haired man grinned. "Because he knew you'd worry as soon as you knew. He knew you might not leave then, and that would make his job even harder."

"I mean it." I insisted.

"I know… And I'll take care of this place, too. I'll be looking out for everyone here, and I'll let you know everything as it happens. I swear this to you. In return, I'd like…"

"You'd like to stay informed as to where I am, precisely? I'm sorry, Enishi. I won't tell anyone where I'm going, so that nothing gets back to Katsura-san. I'll call every two days from a pay phone. No one here who remains alive knows where my parents live in Hokkaido… Not even their real names. I will take the utmost precautions."

"I would like you to. You have to come back here alive. If not so that I can tell my sister that I honored my promise to make sure you were alright, then so you can come back to that Kaoru of yours."

I nodded. "I swear to you that when this is over, I'll come back. I know what I plan on doing in Hokkaido."

"Can't let me know, eh?"

"No offense meant to you, of course."

"Never taken." Enishi laughed and stood. I picked up his coat and handed it to him as he stood. "Let's get out of the dining room and into a private discussion room. I'd love some tea."

I followed him out of the room, and he looked back to me. "I have to let Tomoe know exactly how you've been doing, don't I?"

It was several hours later that Enishi and I finished our "catching up", and I started up toward Kaoru and my room. Enishi had left a few moments before, leaving me with a number to call him on for my updates, and pleasant smile. It was strange to be on such good terms with a man who had threatened my life regularly when I had been courting and married to his sister. I wondered if I'd ever come to accept that as the norm now… That I had truly buried the hatchet with my wife's brother.

It was then that I realized that, while I was lost, unable to find myself, in Tokyo, I had rarely thought of my dead wife. In fact, it was in my grief that I had lost myself and, thus her. Our rings had been in my little shrine in my apartment… One of the only things I took with me when I fled my house. I reached into my pocket and touched the bands. I had never before admitted it, but I missed her terribly.

Now I had my own life to live. I had a new path to follow. I had someone else to protect now… and I wouldn't fail Kaoru.

I slid open the door, and Kaoru jumped, staring at me wide-eyed, as though she had been caught. I immediately understood why when I looked at her new appearance. I had barely recognized her, until I realized it was her.

Her dark hair, now a deeper black that seemed to shine the blue that Misao had promised, had been cut to frame her face, and the whole cut curved inward in slight layers that ran past her shoulders. What must have been contacts made her ocean blue eyes seem vaguely turquoise, and her skin looked as though it had been tanned, but just enough to give her pale skin a bit of color.

She had been reading a book by the window, and was now picking it up from where she had dropped it upon my entrance. "G-good evening, Kenshin."

I smiled, relaxing a part of my troubled mind that had been tensed all day. "Good evening, Kaoru…" I stepped to stand next to her and touched her hair. "You look wonderful."

She blushed. "It was all Misao-chan and Omasu-san. I was so upset about the changes, I made it hard on them."

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, then they did a good job."

"I… I had wanted you to see." She admitted. "I was worried you would be so busy over the next day or so before you left… that you wouldn't see, and if you came back, you wouldn't recognize me!"

I laughed merrily. I couldn't recall being quite so… so... _contented_ since Tomoe had been alive. I certainly hadn't laughed like that, so often, in such a long time. "I certainly wouldn't leave you before saying goodbye, and I will never forget you, Kaoru. Even if you completely changed yourself while you were here and I was away, I would never forget you."

"Promise?" She whispered, and I realized suddenly that there was something creeping behind her kindness and all the goodness I had been immediately attracted to. I recognized it as loneliness… as the sound of someone who has been left behind and forgotten by people for too long.

Tomoe had had that sound when I met her… Before Enishi began to change and grow out of his youthful defiance, and before we were married.

I hugged Kaoru. "I swear." Staring out the window, I made my promise to her just the same way I had done so, so long before.

"_I'm so worried for him!" Tomoe cried, trying to hide her tears behind her pale hands. "I don't want anything to happen to him!" I understood the meaning: she didn't want to be left alone again._

"_I won't let anything happen to him." I embraced her and kissed the top of her head. "I won't let you be alone."_

"_You… You promise?" She whispered, staring at me from behind a layer of welled up tears. _

"_I swear."_

**End Chapter Ten**


	11. Forking Paths

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: It's been a while, as it has for over a year. Finals were insane, coming home was a welcome relief, even though most of my time was spent cleaning up and playing Kingdom Hearts II, and packing for England, where I am now. My computer went on the fritz when I first got here, so I had decided that I wanted to wait until I got back to try and get it back running again. However, because there were some music files I'd stored on my iPod shuffle that I wanted put onto the playlist and into my library, I decided to try and turn the computer on again. Fortunately, it's working again, so I can at least try to finish this chapter and put it on my iPod to post it (whatever space I have leftover from the music can be used for storage space). **

**My wayward muses have managed to come back with a ferocity I've never seen (for proof, go see my profile and look at the six new stories I've put up within the past week, not counting a second chapter on one of them, and a new story within _Rain, Rain_), so hopefully this story will start to see more frequent updates. I'll admit that I have a lot of things to work on, but hopefully I'll have the string of single chapter stories I've started and _Ill Repute_ finished by the time I leave England in about two and a half weeks. This story will hopefully be completed by the end of the summer, by the time I head back to school for the fall semester. **

"**_I'm sorry for wasting your time. See, who am I to say this situation isn't great when it's my job to make the most of it? Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me… Hey what's that you say? You're not blaming me for anything? Well, that's great… That's why I'm, I'm apologizing now." –Jason Mraz, "Absolutely Zero"_**

**Chapter Eleven- Forked Paths**

"_You're not normal, are you?" Tomoe's voice seemed to tremble. I wasn't sure if it was fear or fury in her voice._

_I swallowed, unsure of how to respond. For a moment, I considered raising my sword and making the quick swipe that would rob her of her life, and me of this problematic situation… but I shook that thought away in horror, knowing that I would also rob myself of my own humanity and heart. "I don't do this for my own pleasure." I knew it didn't seem that way, with streaks of blood on my clothes and the unsheathed, bloody sword in my hand. _

"_Then what do you do it for?" She demanded quietly._

"_A cause. To better… everything." It sounded pitiful when I put it like that, but I didn't know what else to say to her._

"_You… never told me."_

_I felt my breath catch in my throat. "How… How could I?" I cried, sliding the sword into its sheath and setting it on the table. _

_She shook her head. "How can I trust you now?" I realized with her words that she was both furious and fearful of me. _

"_I don't want you to be afraid of me." I told her quietly._

"_I don't want to live with a killer!" She cried, wringing her hands. "I don't want to be married to a man I'm afraid will kill me in my sleep because I know his dirty secrets!"_

"_I would never hurt you." I reassured her._

"_You lied to me."_

_I was stunned, staring at her openly. "You never asked."_

"_You should have told me. This is one thing I wish I'd known before I married you." Her voice was considerably lower than it had been. _

"_Would it have changed your mind completely?" I demanded, feeling my heart sinking low in dread of her answer. With those words, I knew I was opening a door that should remain closed… I knew I shouldn't have said it, because I knew that her next word would be a quiet affirmative. And when that happened, I knew that I would lose her forever. I hung my head, waiting for the axe of that final word to fall._

_She seemed to be stumbling over her thoughts for a few seconds. "N-no…" She stuttered, hanging her own head. "No… even then, it would not have changed my mind."_

_And it was then that I turned my head up, reached over, and pulled her into my arms. "If I ever can… I'll get away." Burying my face into her hair I felt my first pangs of regret in my heart. "I promise I'll get away one day."_

Even as I slowly woke out of my dream, I could still feel the warmth of the dream Tomoe in my arms. As the waking world overtook me, I lost the last bit of her that I ever felt these days. There had been a time when I had held my wife in my arms in bed, out in the world, in the quiet of our home… Now, all those things were mere memories and shadows of something that had once been real. My eyes blinked open lazily, and I stretched out of my sleeping position.

"You're awake." I was pleased to hear Kaoru's voice in the room.

I rolled over onto my other side to look at her. "Yeah, I am." I managed half a smile before I yawned and sat up.

"Did you sleep well?" She had her cat curled up in her lap, and she was petting him gently.

I nodded, climbing off the futon. "I did. I had to."

She bit her lip. "You're leaving today."

"Tonight, actually." I admitted.

She stared at Kuma without saying a word. She was tentative with whatever it was she wanted to say, and let the moment she could have said it slip away.

Instead, I stepped behind a screen and started changing into a fresh set of clothes. "I'll call whenever I can. Apparently there's some… business I should take care of." I couldn't lie to her… not completely.

"An assassination?" She asked, and her voice didn't waver as Tomoe's had.

I paused, considering the situation. Was it truly assassination, what I would have to do to Shishio? "In a way." I answered, stepping out from behind the screen.

"In a way?" She echoed, frowning.

"I'm not doing it for them, nor am I doing it for money. It's unfinished business I'll be taking care of when I… When I return."

She looked up from the cat. "So… you'll be returning… for sure?" The question was meant instead to imply that she was afraid I wouldn't survive.

"Yes." Her eyes searched mine, and I knew they were betraying everything I was feeling. Fear, worry, uncertainty, determination. Nothing I felt seemed to escape her gaze, until I finally looked away.

She smiled for me, set the cat down, and stepped toward the door. "We should go to breakfast."

"I'll be along in a moment." I assured her, running a brush through my hair. The windows had been left open, and a bright sky filled its view. The weather seemed well enough to travel in for the coming night. A light breeze fluttered in, and I breathed in the smells it brought. I wanted to enjoy the day, though most of it would be filled with business and things being seen to. With one, final look out the window, I turned and followed Kaoru toward breakfast.

By the time evening had come, I was a mess of jitters and worries. Hours had been spent with Aoshi, Okina, and Enishi trying to sort Kaoru's situation out. Her new identity was determined, and her future was mapped out. The route I'd take to Hokkaido was picked out, and times for me to safely call were planned. Endless collaboration on the future was made, and I felt guilty for all the trouble I had caused within everyone's life. By the time it was time for me to leave (in a new car), I hardly knew where the last of the quiet days had gone. The calm before the beginnings of the storm was coming to an electric close.

"Be careful." Aoshi warned stoically, the closest thing to concern he'd dare show me.

I nodded to him, and looked over everyone, "I can't even begin to express how sorry I am for bringing you all into this." I bowed.

Enishi laughed wolfishly. "Don't be stupid, Kenshin." He laughed. "All this was going to happen eventually, and I'm glad we're going to get to fight with you instead of against you. Shishio was going to start a war within his own group anyway, and we'd have been trying to intervene on the behalf of the people then… And eventually we might have tried to go against Katsura anyway." He slapped me on the shoulder. "Don't even worry about it."

Farewells were murmured quietly in the entrance hall of the Aoiya, and the last person I came to was Kaoru. Everyone else slowly filed out of the room to give us some time. Her smile was sad like Tomoe's had been every time she knew I was going out and doing something she hated.

"Don't look like that." I told her quietly. A look like that didn't suit her. I touched my index finger to her cheek and smiled. "I'm going to come back."

She stared at the floor. "It hardly makes sense, Kenshin." She began, then looked up into my eyes. "For everything that's happened… I still mean what I said last night. I don't hate you, and I can't hate you. It doesn't make sense, but that's how it is."

"I can't tell you how sorry I am for that, too. I was very selfish. Very foolish." I smiled with a slightly bittersweet edge. "I was buried in pain and misery, and I couldn't find my way out of it. Because of that, I lived my life on the line between heaven and hell, insanity and peace of mind… living and dying… It made no difference to me whether I was good or evil or a lost mixture of both… I suppose we all do to a certain extent. Some just do more so than others. A bit of good and a bit of evil, a bit of black and a bit of white… It's in all of us.

"Kaoru, I may be sorry for what I've done in the name of being selfish, but it means nothing now. I'm going to make it all up to you somehow or another. This is part of what I have to do. Just promise me you'll do what you can to be alright."

"I will." She whispered, and then her voice strengthened. "I want to help Aoshi and Enishi while I'm here. I want to make sure that when you do come back, you'll survive and be just fine. I want to beat the people who made you into who you were."

And the moment she finished speaking, she stepped forward and gave me a gentle hug. "Thank you, Kenshin."

I took in a long breath of her scent, then looked down at her, tilted her head up, and gave her a kiss. "No, thank you." I let her go and stepped down to put on my shoes. "I'll see you soon."

And I walked away.

**End Chapter Eleven**


	12. Author's Note

**Note: I need to know how many people still are interested in this story and where it's going, because, after over two years on hiatus, I'm finally moving the story back into my active queue. This is, of couse, reliant on whether or not anyone actually reads the story anymore, or might be interested in it. I want to revamp the first few chapters and continue where I left off, but if that energy would be better spent working on the new stories I want to develop (including my Avatar: The Last Airbender epic, and a few other Rurouni Kenshin stories which are presently in developmental stages), I would rather work on those and place this on permenant hiatus.**

**If anyone is still interested in reading more of this story (It is actually only about halfway finished, with perhaps another 10-15 chapters to follow this past one), pleasepleaseplease leave a comment (review) for this chapter, so I can tally it up and determine what the remaining interest would be. I'm not necessarily looking for hordes of people (though, admittedly, that would be nice), but I **_**am**_** looking for interest substancial enough to make dusting off the muses for this story worthwhile. If I do get enough interest, give me perhaps a week and a half or so to work out the edits I want to make on the first few chapters before I will post a new chapter (which I will post in such a way that those with this on alert will receive notification)**

**--Bando-Eido no Megami-sama**


	13. Final Solace

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: You guys rock so hard I can't even see straight. I really wasn't sure about putting up that note, seeing if people would want to read more of the story—but it wasn't even morning before I had a growing list of e-mails in my inbox, fulfilling what I'd asked and letting me know what the interest for this story is. I'm really pleased to be working on this again, and I'm coming back with a refreshed mind. By the time I get the chapter after this posted, I'll have the first chapter or so redone. To new readers—welcome, and enjoy. To my readers from back in the day, you guys are amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.**

**Chapter Twelve: Final Solace**

I had never been particularly patient, especially in recent years, but my life had changed drastically in the span of a few weeks. Making my way to Hokkaido hadn't been an easy journey, switching intermittently between train and car, but I'd finally come to my parent's house early the afternoon following my departure from Kyoto. I didn't expect an easy homecoming, having avoided my family for the better part of a decade, but whatever expectations I'd had were shattered the moment I pulled into the secluded estate and my father descended coolly from the front of the traditional house.

"Ah, Kenshin," I hadn't felt true fear of my father since I'd been a young teenager, and had thoroughly forgotten that his voice took an eerily calm, even soothing, quality just before he beat me into thinking he was a man possessed by all the devils in Hell. Had forgotten, that is, until I caught the tone of his voice and had a terrifying recollection of my father's idea of vengeance.

Just as he was nearly upon me, grace and power clearly visible in his steady stride, my mother burst out of the house. "Seijuro, don't you dare touch him!" She cried, dashing across the yard, eyes flashing.

My father gently moved her out of his way and sunk a heavy blow into my gut. I doubled over, the wind knocked out of my lungs, and nearly vomited. Words failed me for a long time as my mother observed the pair of us as though she couldn't decide which was more deserving of reproach.

I finally caught my breath again and straightened, only long enough to show I was alright, before dropping my head. "Father… Mother." I nodded to both of them in turn, unsure how to start a dialogue.

"You're an idiot, Kenshin." My mother scolded firmly. "I'm not entirely sure that covers everything, but that's what you are."

My father's face finally softened, having already gotten his opinion across rather effectively. "Get in the house, boy. We'll need to talk, I can tell." I nodded numbly at this, and he seized my keys to take what little I'd brought with me out of the car, shoving me toward my mother. Some things would never change.

My mother examined me carefully once we were inside, her eyes darkening in sadness when her fingers ran across my hands, calloused from my swordsmanship, before forcing my hand closed and looking away. "You're in trouble, then." It wasn't meant as a question.

I nodded silently, pulling my hands closer self-consciously, already falling back to the young man who had abandoned his family without a word years before.

She stared at me pointedly, brushing a few stray hairs off my shoulder. "Kenshin… You're our son. We haven't seen you in years, and the only information we've gotten about you has been through… less than ideal means. We've worried about you, to say the very least."

"Th-thanks, Mom." I stared at the floor. I'd expected my father to send me away. I'd expected them to welcome me back and listen with the understanding I'd taken for granted from them. I hadn't expected to feel as terrible as I did. "And… I'm sorry."

She gave me one final visual sweep before waving off the apology. "Your father will be in here soon," She opened the _shoji_ and stepped into the hallway before pausing and looking back over her shoulder. "And Kenshin…" She seemed to struggle as I had for words, before turning her face away to hide tears I was sure she was ashamed of. "You can be sorry for all this, but don't regret what you've learned from it. I love you and that won't change, even if everything else does." At this, she snapped the _shoji_ shut and padded down the hallway, meeting my father halfway. Their murmured voices carried poorly through the house, but I wasn't particularly trying to listen in.

All of a sudden, my weariness caught up with me, just before my father entered the room noisily. I stared at my hands, apprehensive of what might come next. My mother was forgiving, even under these circumstances. I was sure my father loved me as much as my mother did, but that didn't make him quite so quick with absolution. He kneeled in across from me, comfortably shifting on the cushion.

"We got word that you were working for an underground organization, and that you were living in Tokyo as a doctor for the last several years." He clearly expected me to elaborate and explain what circumstances had brought me home.

"There was… an accident." It was the best way I could try to explain Kaoru's involvement. "Frankly, it was probably my fault, but it wasn't meant to happen, regardless." I looked up into my father's penetrating eyes. "I was given an assassination assignment I couldn't accept, and… took her and ran." I fully anticipated my father's rage to break over me by this point, but he remained eerily calm, waiting for me to finish.

"We went to Kyoto, and… I came here."

"Don't tell me you thought they wouldn't think to follow you here and slaughter both your mother and I?" His tone wasn't exactly accusing, but faintly amused.

"Don't tell me you think you couldn't handle it." I shot back, finding myself already caught in the bickering that characterized my relationship with my father. I took a long breath before continuing. "I need advice, and someone on my side. Most of all, I need to get them off Kaoru's trail; to lure them toward the greater prize, and find some brief solace of my own."

My father stood abruptly. "You're welcome here as my son so long as I still consider you kin. You can regroup yourself and get ready for… whatever foolish plan you've cooked up with those idiots in Kyoto." He opened the _shoji_ and his tone softened to a very miniscule degree. "And… you'd best hope your foolish plan is enough to spare that girl a rather unpleasant death, son." He left me alone with the swirling vortex of my thoughts. I flopped backward, staring expressionless at the ceiling.

"_Damn_." I hissed through clenched teeth, squeezing my eyes shut in a futile effort to block out the world. After laying there for an eternity, my mother slid opened the door and kneeled next to me, brushing my hair away from my exposed neck.

"Your father told me what happened," She hesitated a moment. "Or, at least, what he thinks happened. Are you involved with that girl?"

I sat up and tried to answer, but only managed to choke on my dry throat. Finally, after a few dry swallows, I managed to get my throat to work. "Yes, and no... I think." I shook my head. "I don't know, Mom."

"Natsu," My father stepped into the room, and was immediately waved away by my mother.

"We'll be along shortly," She waited for my father's footsteps to vanish down the hallway before embracing me tightly. "I'm sure you'll figure all this out. We've been worried about you, Kenshin… And your father will never admit it, stubborn man he is, but he worried more than I did," She pulled away and smiled faintly for me. "And I worried quite a lot."

She helped me to my feet, and we headed toward the kitchen, where my mother had finished preparing dinner had had presumably gone to fetch me for the meal before distracting herself with our brief exchange. The meal was eaten largely in silence, punctuated by some short dialogue between my parents about the day. They had said their peace about my abysmal situation, and apparently did not intend to harp on the subject, only to allow me my brief respite before I would be forced to return to Tokyo, my trails led astray long enough for me to try and settle things with Katsura undeterred. If I died as a result of my recent foolishness, at least I would have the peace of mind of having reestablished ties with what little family I had.

It wasn't much, to say the least, but when I finally left my parents again, I felt at ease, finally able to think clearly without Kaoru's safety weighing heavily on my mind. I knew she was safe, for the time being at least, with Aoshi and Enishi, though their alliance with me was still surprising, to say the least. My parents wished me a subdued farewell, seeing me off to the train station with quick embraces and quicker words of encouragement. It would take longer to take a series of trains and ferries to Tokyo, but I planned on arriving late in the evening as it was.

It was a long trip, which spanned most of the day due to the necessary transfers, but when I finally stepped back into the Tokyo streets, I felt a pulsing of familiarity in my veins. I had been careful to conceal my sword, though I had little intention of using it for similar means as I had been. I'd had a great deal of time to think, and in that time I'd come to the conclusion that it may be unavoidable to defeat Shishio Makoto with death, but I would not kill more than necessary. I'd finally become sickened by the stench of blood which followed me even in sleep, and that much more determined to right my wrongs and possibly find real peace in a mediocre, ordinary life which held far more appeal than the wild life I'd followed.

Kaoru was to thank for that revelation, I knew. The streets were lit as with flourescent daylight to cover for the inevitable darkness which had settled over the city. It was the perfect time to slip into the shadows as I had in my old life, and stalk the very darkness I had once immersed myself within.

My silence was flawless as I slipped in the back door of the club I knew Katsura would be haunting on this particular night. My duties in protecting him over the years left me certain as to his schedule, and they would all presume me too concerned for my safety, and that of Kaoru's, to change up a routine on which many things relied.

A flipped blade and a few heavy blows to the guards of the offices later, I was standing outside Katsura's door, where muffled giggling revealed that Ikumatsu was with him. I sighed deeply inside of myself, unwilling to involve more innocents than necessary. This was supposed to be my attempt to offer them a truce; my complete freedom from this, and Kaoru's assured safety, if I took care of their problem with Shishio Makoto. If they refused, I would still take down Shishio Makoto, for the immediate threat he held to the general public, and then take apart their organization piece by piece. Even if they refused, I was confident in my abilities to escape for the time being, and relatively reassured that they would still be too concerned with taking care of Shishio Makoto themselves to worry too much about me.

Finally, I released the breath I hadn't been altogether aware that I had been holding, and opened the door with no emotion visible on my face. My heart, however, was pounding adrenaline through my veins as I kept my senses on alert for any approaching syndicate members. Katsura jerked, clearly not expecting any interruptions. Ikumatsu pulled away with more grace and perched herself with dignity on a nearby chair, having recovered much more quickly than her lover.

"Himura-san," She greeted graciously, though I was certain she would have already been filled in on my betrayal. "How lovely for you to visit us."

Katsura was finally recovered, eying me and the naked blade in my hand with obvious suspicion. "I don't suppose this is simply a pleasant calling on of acquaintances." He straightened his collar and rebuttoned the misplaced buttons of his shirt, never once moving his eyes from my stiff form in the doorway.

"Not precisely," I admitted, stepping forward and closing the door with a firm snap. "I've come to bargain with you."

His eyes darkened, clearly attempting to determine the meaning behind my words. "Bargain, Himura? I hardly think you're in much of a position to bargain anything, unless you're here to tell me that you've taken care of your breach of our security and have simply been missing for upwards of two weeks to properly dispose of evidence yourself."

My face twisted into a frown. "Your breach of security has a name," I told him, bitterly resenting his dismissal of Kaoru's life and livelihood. I sheathed my sword slowly and deliberately. "And I assure you that she is still quite well, if not rather shaken with recent events. No, I am here to bargain the existence of this very syndicate for my release of the contract you hold over me."

I knew that Katsura's appearance of kindliness was only that, an appearance. One did not rise to the top of the underworld with kind smiles and merciful words. His brow creased, and I knew he clearly thought I was bluffing. "You couldn't bring us down without our first destroying you." He told me coolly.

I smiled humorlessly. "No, but you're not nearly as worried about me as you are about Shishio Makoto," I caught the briefest flash of alarm in his eyes. "And I will destroy him and his rebellion as my last act of this world, if you assure my safe release from the underworld."

I was no fool, though Katsura's eyes plainly told me that he wondered if I was. He laughed lowly, shaking his head. "Unbelievable. You couldn't be so naïve, could you, Himura?"

My eyes hardened. "And if you do not honor such a promise, I will do all within my power, and you know enough about it, to annihilate this world you live in. Spare me, spare yourself, and you will have no need to call upon your other assassins to risk themselves against Shishio Makoto."

I stood firmly, and though my sword was sheathed, it may as well have been laying across his throat for the look Katsura gave me in that moment. "And what would you do in that mundane world, Himura? Return to being a doctor and throw away your sword forevermore? Marry that silly girl and forget about this part of your life, and all the things that have come with it? You can't walk away from this life when it has become your life."

"This is not my life, nor has it ever been my entire life. Perhaps I can't throw away the sword entirely," My voice was strained. "But I will never kill like this again."

Katsura laughed baldly, in disbelief or fear, or true amusement at my statement, I would never know. In response, I turned my back to him and opening the door again. "If this is your refusal, then I will be back once Shishio Makoto is dealt with. And I will not return alone, but with all the power I can summon to my side to destroy this world you cannot give up."

I left him with Ikumatsu and closed the door as firmly as I had before. I had scarcely gone a few steps before the door opened and Ikumatsu caught up to me quickly. She seized my arm and tugged insistently, all former graciousness evaporated.

"Himura-san," She whispered, pulling me around to face her. "I will take care of the details but… consider your offer accepted," Her eyes darted past me, down the hallway. "He has been very concerned about Shishio Makoto, and though he can't admit it to you for his pride, this is the best alternative.

Her eyes were insistent, and she swept over me much as my mother had done when I arrived to my parent's house. "And… just be careful. If you care for that girl as much as I think you might, and if she cares half so much for you, then be careful." It was the closest I'd ever seen Ikumatsu come to admitting to anyone that her feelings for Katsura ran beyond the simple sensually passionate affair they conducted in private.

I removed her hand from my arm and gave her a smile that was much warmer than I felt. "Good night, Ikumatsu-san," I managed, leaving as silently as I had come. The only difference now was that Ikumatsu had managed to firmly restore my thoughts on Kaoru to the forefront of my mind.

**End Chapter Twelve**


	14. Sleeping With Dragons

**Shades of Gray**

**Note: Alright, Chapter One has been edited and reposted, and now there's this chapter. As I edit the older chapters, there are some style differences in my writing, and it ended up shortening the chapter by… a lot. So, these newer chapters won't get shortened, but the earlier ones will. As always, enjoy, and please leave feedback!**

**Chapter Thirteen: Sleeping With Dragons**

When I opened the door to my apartment for the first time in weeks, the sterile scent of stale air blew out past me from a nearby vent. I dropped my bag to the floor without a thought for the meticulous cleaning I had kept up for so long. In the order of my priorities, obsessive neatness fell pretty low. Within moments, urgent rapping on my door indicated that my return had already been noted by Seta-san next door. I considered ignoring it, but the young man had certainly been worried about a disappearing neighbor. I opened the door wearily.

"Himura-san, you're back." The ever-present smile was in place, but something in his voice vanished any thoughts about his concern.

I nodded slowly. "Not for long. A few days is all I can… all I can manage. I'll be packing my things and searching for a new tenant." There was something about Seta that I had never noticed before, a suspicious air of knowing around him that I had managed to ignore for as long as I had known him. "But somehow I suppose you knew that."

He laughed, but there was no genuine mirth there. "I wondered if you wouldn't come back at all. Shishio-sama has been very concerned about where you had gone."

My limbs became leaden and I felt myself go light-headed. All this time. Shishio Makoto had been watching me all this time, knowing I would be the assassin to come for him, no matter what. "As if he didn't already know."

Seta's smile spread, but never quite reached his eyes. "Shishio-sama has his suspicions. That business with the girl made things a little more difficult in watching you, but now that you've come back everything should be fine." He looked past me into the apartment, as though he somehow expected Kaoru to be standing there. "Where is she anyway?"

"Dead." I told him without hesitation. "I killed her myself, and an associate in Osaka is taking care of the evidence."

He laughed again, clearly seeing through my lie. "I'll be sure to let Shishio-sama know about your return and..." He paused and stared me straight in the eye. "certainly about the elimination of the girl."

Seta didn't believe for a moment that I had killed Kaoru, or even that I had been to Osaka at all. I tried to think how fast I could reach for my sword, but Seta bowed courteously to me. "You aren't in any danger, Himura." He started to leave, but turned back to me when he reached his door. "At least, not quite yet."

I shut and bolted the door in a futile hope for the flimsy safety it could offer me. If my sword could easily slice through steel, rock and bone, theirs would make short work of my wooden door. I stepped deeper into the apartment, catching sight of the small details that told me Katsura's investigators had already examined my apartment. Everywhere around me, I was surrounded by enemies, and it was largely my own fault. I had never imagined Seta might work for the same group as I did.

Except he didn't, I realized. He didn't answer to anyone but Shishio, who had broken from Katsura's group. He had never worked for anyone but Shishio, and had been sent to Tokyo solely to watch me in case Katsura caught wind of Shishio's treachery. My tentative stalemate with Katsura told me only that I was safe so long as I seemed useful. If I dared to turn my back on either, I was dead before I would even have the chance to realize.

I stepped into my bedroom, standing unmoving in the center before tearing open my closet doors and tugging out set after set of new clothing. After a moment, I caught myself and managed to calm the tugging panic in my chest. I reached for my phone and found the blinking of a new message waiting for me. _Botanical Gardens. Same time._ The number was unfamiliar, but the words were like a hundred others I had received for briefings and the familiarity of the situation sent chills down my spine. Pushing down the fear, I sat on the edge of my bed and dialed Kaoru's number. It was all so ordinary on the surface, except my head was spinning and my stomach churned. An automated message told me that the number had been disconnected, and I pocketed the phone. All I wanted was to talk to Kaoru, but calling the Aoiya to get in touch with her at her new number would mean making it easier for Katsura to find her. Leaving the apartment left me open to Seta's observing eyes, which likely included several dozen strangers who could inconspicuously tail me, all as well-trained as I was in stealth.

Falling backwards onto the soft down of the bed, I tried to imagine some way to get in contact with Kaoru, though I had asked her to simply hold faith that I could take care of myself. She could imagine me invincible, but I was left with the cold, looming threat of my own mortality. Finally, I seized the phone and dialed Enishi's number.

It rang for several long seconds before his gruff voice barked over the line. "Yukishiro."

"Enishi-san," I began, searching for words to describe the situation. "We have a bit of a problem."

* * *

I spent over an hour with Enishi, sorting out the new twist in the plan. My return to Tokyo had been a dangerous part of the plan, but now it was clear that I was in more danger than we had previously imagined. Everything was held precariously in the balance of what Seta-san knew about me and what could be assumed a secret, which was very little. Kaoru's new identity was certainly a secret we could be certain of; whether or not Shishio could find her was something we could not be.

I hung up the phone with renewed dread hanging over my heart, and spared a glimpse to the glowing clock by my bed. It was late in the evening, but I had been out later before in my assassination days. They seemed centuries away, even as I knew they were only a few weeks removed from my present situation. I stood and dressed mechanically in the shadowy hues of night, seizing my sword as an afterthought. I would be a fool to go unarmed into a meeting with people who were admitted enemies, even if I was temporarily working for them.

The gardens hadn't changed in the weeks I'd been gone. Nothing about my old life had changed, except for me. I slipped silently into the shadows of a small grove of white-barked trees and waited until the tell-tale sound of footsteps announced the arrival of the person sent to rendevous with me. Within seconds, I froze at the sight of Iizuka's pale, drawn face.

"Himura-san," He addressed the trees as a whole and I toyed with the idea of not emerging from my hiding place. I stepped out anyway.

"Iizuka-san."

He laughed, a hearty sound that held no genuine meaning, and gestured to a nearby bench. "Come, let us have this talk."

"What does Katsura want?"

"He's willing to release you from your duties if you take care of this situation with Shishio."

"Those are the terms I laid out, Iizuka-san. What does _he_ want?"

"If you take care of Shishio Makoto, we recall Jin-e from your trail and you tell us where you are for the rest of your life. Also, you tell us what you did with that girl. We can't have two loose ends running all over the place."

"Kaoru only knows about me. You have no reason to care about where she is."

Iizuka made a guttural noise in his throat that sounded almost like a laugh. "You have connections to a group that made her disappear from us. We have tabs on her; we keep tabs on this little group of yours. We follow you, we know you can't do anything to us."

I drew my sword slowly, the long hiss of steel breaking up the peaceful night sounds. I laid the blade at his throat coolly. "Tell Katsura-san this. I am going to take care of Shishio Makoto, and then I will come for him. I will fight this with all my strength for as long as I live, if I have to."

"If you come for Katsura-san you won't live very long."

I pressed the edge to the hammering pulse. "Nor will you, Iizuka-san."

An electric thrill ran up my spine as I recognized the presence of another swordsman much closer than I would prefer. The slithering sound of unsheathing steel seemed an echo of my own movement moments before, and I shoved Iizuka away with a jolt as blade whistled past my head.

I swung my sword around to deflect the attack, instinct driving the swish of my steel to defend a rapid succession of attacks.

"You couldn't think that we would come unprepared, Himura-san."

I spat furiously in the direction of the taunting words, wishing a long, painful death onto Iizuka. "Cowards. You planned to have me killed here. Call off your dog." I shot a furious glare at the shadow-clad swordsman. How long had Jin-e been tracking me? Long enough to know where Kaoru was? Or had he only followed me since my return to Tokyo? There was so much that I didn't know, and so much I knew I would never know.

"Himura Battousai-san, I'm insulted you would refer to your colleague as a _dog_."

"You're no better than a dog, Jin-e." I pointed my sword at him. "How long have you been tailing me?"

"How long, indeed?" He was taunting me, and I relaxed. I was not so undisciplined that I would have missed his chaotic presence for so long.

"So since I left my apartment," I concluded coldly, sword point never once wavering.

"You _are_ good, Himura Battousai-san."

"Call him down, Iizuka, or there will be no truce, and I will kill the both of you here and now to prove my intentions to Katsura."

"As if you could do such a thing."

It took little more than a blink of an eye and a spray of blood stained the luminiscent brilliance of the trees. Iizuka gave an unearthly scream of fury and I knew I had not hurt him badly. The spray of blood would give a wonderful display of blood, but the wound was shallow. Jin-e, on the other hand, I had spared no mercy. He gave no outward indication of pain, aside from a panting gasp, but I had neatly severed the tendons of his arms. These wounds were not so superficial as Iizuka's were, and would effectively prevent him from doing any further swordplay. I wondered if somehow I was being tricked in my success with Jin-e; it was almost too easy. I didn't question good luck, though, and turned back to the bleeding pair. Jin-e leveled me with a cold glare of furious indignation.

"I've spared both of your lives. Go to Katsura-san and tell him that I will ensure Shishio Makoto is incapable of doing any harm before I come back. He has until then to decide whether or not he is willing to accept my terms," I sheathed my sword carefully. "I will settle for nothing less."

"He will kill you for this," Iizuka hissed. "You won't get a chance to bargain for yourself, let alone for your slut."

I ignored the furious jab at Kaoru and walked away without another word. Iizuka had a big mouth. I had no doubts that he would deliver the message perfectly, and that Katsura would understand the break he had been offered. Iizuka and Jin-e were, after Shishio Makoto, the most dangerous members of his organization. If Shishio Makoto were out of the picture, I knew as well as he knew that one or both of them would be next to challenge his power. Best to nip it in the bud and guarantee my release.

As I stepped toward the shadows, I paused and picked up Jin-e's blade. "I think I'll take this with me. I know plenty of people who might need a new sword." He hissed angrily at me, but I stepped neatly out of his reach. "You certainly won't be using it again."

As I slipped through the darkness, I wondered if using my medical knowledge as I had, to utterly incapacitate Jin-e, was abuse of my Hippocratic Oath. Did saving the lives of the people he would have assassinated count for upholding the oath, or was that irrelevant? I kept seeking the middle ground, the perfect balance between the two sides, which were still warring in wild confusion with one another. I closed my eyes and navigated my way back to the apartment. I would have to leave Tokyo very soon, for the sake of protecting Kaoru and getting on with destroying Shishio Makoto.

When I finally dropped the mismatched pair of swords by the table in my living room, exhaustion finally set into my body. I fell onto my bed and drifted toward sleep before my phone went off with a shrill shriek of announcement. I fumbled for it and answered it automatically, still drowsy and exhausted. Both vanished the moment the voice on the other end stumbled through a greeting and into a weighted silence.

"_Kaoru_," I kept my voice hushed, but couldn't help the tone of desperate longing that even I could tell was evident. "You shouldn't have called."

"Enishi-san said you were in trouble."

I paused for a moment, contemplating the possible consequences of letting her know to what extent I had gotten myself into trouble. "I'm in more trouble now than I was then."

She paused for a long moment, and I could tell she was witholding an outburst of worry. Finally, she sighed softly. "Kenshin, please just come back from all of this."

It was my turn to contribute to the extended silence, grappling with the idea that Kaoru wanted me to come back. "I swear I'll set things right, Kaoru. If I don't… don't come back, then Aoshi or Enishi will take care of you. Don't think I'd leave you there alone. You'll get to come back to your life soon."

"That's not what I was worried about." She chided softly. "Just come back safe, alright?"

I was agreeing before I knew what I was saying, anything to ease her worries. A moment later, as I was closing my phone and setting it on the table, I wondered how in the world I would be able to keep that promise.

**End Chapter Thirteen**


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